Account closed 7 days before my 3 month trial ends. What a relief. After the last two complete failures of a date, I just couldn't stand seeing eharmony in my inbox anymore. The matches are getting worse and worse, or I'm just getting less and less tolerant. Whatever the case, online dating is definitely not for me. It was fun for the novelty in the beginning, nice but boring in the middle and just disturbing at the end. "Disturbing" was punctuated by one date who was so surprised I spoke good engrish and the last one who was as gay as a picnic basket. Such an apropos way to close the loop for someone in fashion isn't it?
What did I learn? Romance is dead, online dating is not for me and blogging is my self indulgent narcissistic obsession.
"The eHarm Experiment" has officially come to an end and "Adventures of a Female Exmodel Digital Entrepreneur in the Fashion B2B Space based in Silicon Valley" begins. Such an unlikely convergence of opposing worlds will surely yield some anomalous, challenging experiences for insightful analysis. I already have tons of rich fodder to start with.
Stay tuned!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Where's the Romance?
After 9 weeks of being on eHarm, I am now allowed to make some sweeping generalizations about online dating. I can because I've experienced from beginning to end my first relationship that resulted from online dating, am currently "communicating" with quite a few matches and I'm an extraordinarily fast learner.
It all amounts to this: Romance is dead in our generation, in our country of the U S of A and online dating is killing any chance of its revival.
Call me spoiled but I do want romance. And for romance, all I'm asking for is that they proof read their 4 sentence emails before sending them filled with careless typos and misspellings. Then maybe one line that shows some effort to be funny, charming or thought-provoking or just thoughtful would be nice.
We come into online dating with skepticism (almost "last resort" attitude, thus the stigma) and the idea that if there are millions of matches as advertised by these dating services, you can't possibly put your 100 percent into each encounter. It's a one in a million chance that you'll find your LIFE PARTNER (in caps to inspire or scare you) so you better learn to filter efficiently.
This set up is not conducive to romantic encounters when the failure rate is so high and there's an underlining idea that if one doesn't work out, the next one of the thousands waiting to be matched to your specifications could be better. There's little motivation to invest and put some real effort into the dating process. So we're short and almost flippant with our communication style. I am certainly guilt of this.
In response to the VC dude's jesting question about what I'd do with my kids when they pass the adorable age range of 1.5 - 6, I wrote, "Well, I thought I'd just sell them to some sweatshop in Vietnam for some good loot." No added emoticon, no "just kidding, really though...", just period and on the next liner. I haven't heard from him since. Now I know how Brits feel when they say Americans don't know sarcasm. Whatever, he's too short for me anyway. There's tons more 5'9"ers waiting in the sidelines!
Look, I'm all about positive psychology and you-get-what-you-put-out there attitude but there comes a point when you just have to surrender to the statistics.
So time to switch strategies. Entrepreneurs are agile. I don't know what the new strategy is just yet but I will start by conducting more market research with two new matches that I'm actually open to meeting. Well, I'm open today but I may change my mind tomorrow just because I can. I mean, there are millions of matches out there right???
So the two contenders today are: one, a young digital entrepreneur (the one with the lame typo); two, a "financial analyst / business owner" with a likable profile but he has just one tiny photo showing only his face. Great smile but he's probably sportin more gut than I prefer. You can kind of tell by his face and neck girth.
Meanwhile, let's contemplate why our generation sucks at romance and committing, starting with the below excerpt from an article about one SF single woman's thoughts and experiences with commitment phobia. Although she speaks of SF only, I believe her experiences are applicable to all major urban US cities.
A picture of the SF singles scene emerged: The prevalence of online dating due to our tech leanings; the confluence of creative, migratory people; the area’s penchant for therapy (Joe had taken me to his therapist of 10 years to receive empathy for his commitment issues). It all amounted to a particular flavor of romance: one I was souring on.
Then one day it came to me—the obvious, that is. SF singles are trapped in this loneliness together. The women approach men as enemy combatants, and then wonder why they cower. The men sense the women’s disdain, and then wonder why they have trouble committing.
Opening yourself to love means “accepting your place in human history.” Whoa. Could that be the real reason for San Franciscans’ inability to settle down? Are we so attached to the idea of being exceptional that we just can’t fathom settling—which would mean, in this case, settling down into the great ordinary mass of humanity? Is long-term love (as opposed to sex and romance) just too ordinary for San Franciscans?
"Accepting our place in human history" is becoming harder and harder because we have too many choices which makes actually choosing terrifying and not choosing the easiest choice. There's the fear that something better may come along and we will be stuck with ordinary in comparison. So nobody invests in romance.
On one hand, men don't need to be romantic anymore to win the desperate hearts of "liberated" women who have become paranoid and unbalanced in their "independence". In other cases, men don't know how to be romantic because they've lost their machismo. In Europe and Asia, American men have the reputation of being pussies - completely castrated by dominating, independent women.
But why would American men want to be romantic when their women don't know how to make a man feel like a man? We expect men to pick up the tab and be romanced but we give them nothing but a hard time in return. We should play our traditional part a bit more if we want some chivalry.
Or, we need to adjust our expectations and actions to more equal and honest romance reciprocity. Our male vs female balance within ourselves and between the sexes needs to be recalibrated for 2010. It's like we're still playing with the old rules even though the game has changed.
Ultimately, I believe this fear of being trapped (the fear of choosing) will be resolved when I am fulfilled and actualized enough myself - a place where I will not be chasing what's better because I will know that what I have and who I am is perfect.
It all amounts to this: Romance is dead in our generation, in our country of the U S of A and online dating is killing any chance of its revival.
Call me spoiled but I do want romance. And for romance, all I'm asking for is that they proof read their 4 sentence emails before sending them filled with careless typos and misspellings. Then maybe one line that shows some effort to be funny, charming or thought-provoking or just thoughtful would be nice.
We come into online dating with skepticism (almost "last resort" attitude, thus the stigma) and the idea that if there are millions of matches as advertised by these dating services, you can't possibly put your 100 percent into each encounter. It's a one in a million chance that you'll find your LIFE PARTNER (in caps to inspire or scare you) so you better learn to filter efficiently.
This set up is not conducive to romantic encounters when the failure rate is so high and there's an underlining idea that if one doesn't work out, the next one of the thousands waiting to be matched to your specifications could be better. There's little motivation to invest and put some real effort into the dating process. So we're short and almost flippant with our communication style. I am certainly guilt of this.
In response to the VC dude's jesting question about what I'd do with my kids when they pass the adorable age range of 1.5 - 6, I wrote, "Well, I thought I'd just sell them to some sweatshop in Vietnam for some good loot." No added emoticon, no "just kidding, really though...", just period and on the next liner. I haven't heard from him since. Now I know how Brits feel when they say Americans don't know sarcasm. Whatever, he's too short for me anyway. There's tons more 5'9"ers waiting in the sidelines!
Look, I'm all about positive psychology and you-get-what-you-put-out there attitude but there comes a point when you just have to surrender to the statistics.
So time to switch strategies. Entrepreneurs are agile. I don't know what the new strategy is just yet but I will start by conducting more market research with two new matches that I'm actually open to meeting. Well, I'm open today but I may change my mind tomorrow just because I can. I mean, there are millions of matches out there right???
So the two contenders today are: one, a young digital entrepreneur (the one with the lame typo); two, a "financial analyst / business owner" with a likable profile but he has just one tiny photo showing only his face. Great smile but he's probably sportin more gut than I prefer. You can kind of tell by his face and neck girth.
Meanwhile, let's contemplate why our generation sucks at romance and committing, starting with the below excerpt from an article about one SF single woman's thoughts and experiences with commitment phobia. Although she speaks of SF only, I believe her experiences are applicable to all major urban US cities.
A picture of the SF singles scene emerged: The prevalence of online dating due to our tech leanings; the confluence of creative, migratory people; the area’s penchant for therapy (Joe had taken me to his therapist of 10 years to receive empathy for his commitment issues). It all amounted to a particular flavor of romance: one I was souring on.
Then one day it came to me—the obvious, that is. SF singles are trapped in this loneliness together. The women approach men as enemy combatants, and then wonder why they cower. The men sense the women’s disdain, and then wonder why they have trouble committing.
Opening yourself to love means “accepting your place in human history.” Whoa. Could that be the real reason for San Franciscans’ inability to settle down? Are we so attached to the idea of being exceptional that we just can’t fathom settling—which would mean, in this case, settling down into the great ordinary mass of humanity? Is long-term love (as opposed to sex and romance) just too ordinary for San Franciscans?
"Accepting our place in human history" is becoming harder and harder because we have too many choices which makes actually choosing terrifying and not choosing the easiest choice. There's the fear that something better may come along and we will be stuck with ordinary in comparison. So nobody invests in romance.
On one hand, men don't need to be romantic anymore to win the desperate hearts of "liberated" women who have become paranoid and unbalanced in their "independence". In other cases, men don't know how to be romantic because they've lost their machismo. In Europe and Asia, American men have the reputation of being pussies - completely castrated by dominating, independent women.
But why would American men want to be romantic when their women don't know how to make a man feel like a man? We expect men to pick up the tab and be romanced but we give them nothing but a hard time in return. We should play our traditional part a bit more if we want some chivalry.
Or, we need to adjust our expectations and actions to more equal and honest romance reciprocity. Our male vs female balance within ourselves and between the sexes needs to be recalibrated for 2010. It's like we're still playing with the old rules even though the game has changed.
Ultimately, I believe this fear of being trapped (the fear of choosing) will be resolved when I am fulfilled and actualized enough myself - a place where I will not be chasing what's better because I will know that what I have and who I am is perfect.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Top Five
eharmony.com is now my second most frequented website. My browser makes it convenient for me to instantly jump on to my five top sites as they appear in the drop down when I type the first w in the addy bar. Right now, they are - in this order - facebook, eharmony, linkedin (because I'm networking like crazy for my startup), netflix (because I started LOST!!), and thesaurus (because I write a lot these days).
I wish I had a top 5 list to speak of on eharmony, but there are four that are worth mentioning for various reasons.
1. International Affairs in the Federal Govt. Interesting. Of course well traveled and informed, loves learning about different cultures. Loved everything about his profile.
BUT,
he said, "The single most important quality I'm looking for is sweetness." I don't think the kind of guy I will have chemistry with is looking for sweetness...
2. Venture Capital Investor (ding ding ding, or suppose it's kaching ching ching - for my biz). He was a literature major and I liked his book list, which was a very eclectic range of interesting subjects. He can't live without yoga - not sure how I feel about that one yet...
BUT,
he's 5'9"
3. Cop dude. Not really my profession type but his profile literally made me laugh out loud. It was sarcastic, self-deprecating, silly, philosophical - all in one.
BUT,
he's 5'9" and he's a bit young - 31. I already teased about us being the same height and he just came back with some ridiculous silly, self-deprecating shit. Was hilarious.
4. MY DREAM CHINESE MAN!!!! Tall, good looking, in biz dev, lived in Paris for 6 years!!!
BUT,
he CLOSED COMMUNICATION on me!! How dare he!!! His reason was "our physical distance is too far." He's in Pasadena (Los Angeles area). What a narrow, unprogressive thinker. Hmmph. Distance is no obstacle for true love. Idiot. He probably only dates blondes. I did send him a final message, which you can do when someone closes comm with you. They give you a few stock responses and I chose, "I thought there was real chemistry there, I think you should reconsider." I wish there was a, "I am willing to relocate" option! Well, no response so bye bye dream Chinese man. Oh, and he plays the sax. I hate him.
Interesting how I've written the most about the one with the least, or no chance of consummation. Hmmmm.... I'm such a textbook case!
Oh, and I should try to reconnect with that PhD dude. I kind of left him hanging 6 weeks ago.
So I've gotten requests from my readers to share my profile. So here it is. Very simple. Hope you can read fine print.
And to share some more stories from one of my eHarm crimies (one of two I convinced to join - patience ladies...)
Online dating is filled with these great nuggets times hundreds of thousands so those 4 I mentioned above are diamonds in the rough.
It does take a lot of time, which is something I'm having less and less of as my start up is taking up more and more energy and mind share, which is what I was afraid of... Maybe I can find a developer and boyfriend in one! JACKPOT!!!!
I wish I had a top 5 list to speak of on eharmony, but there are four that are worth mentioning for various reasons.
1. International Affairs in the Federal Govt. Interesting. Of course well traveled and informed, loves learning about different cultures. Loved everything about his profile.
BUT,
he said, "The single most important quality I'm looking for is sweetness." I don't think the kind of guy I will have chemistry with is looking for sweetness...
2. Venture Capital Investor (ding ding ding, or suppose it's kaching ching ching - for my biz). He was a literature major and I liked his book list, which was a very eclectic range of interesting subjects. He can't live without yoga - not sure how I feel about that one yet...
BUT,
he's 5'9"
3. Cop dude. Not really my profession type but his profile literally made me laugh out loud. It was sarcastic, self-deprecating, silly, philosophical - all in one.
BUT,
he's 5'9" and he's a bit young - 31. I already teased about us being the same height and he just came back with some ridiculous silly, self-deprecating shit. Was hilarious.
4. MY DREAM CHINESE MAN!!!! Tall, good looking, in biz dev, lived in Paris for 6 years!!!
BUT,
he CLOSED COMMUNICATION on me!! How dare he!!! His reason was "our physical distance is too far." He's in Pasadena (Los Angeles area). What a narrow, unprogressive thinker. Hmmph. Distance is no obstacle for true love. Idiot. He probably only dates blondes. I did send him a final message, which you can do when someone closes comm with you. They give you a few stock responses and I chose, "I thought there was real chemistry there, I think you should reconsider." I wish there was a, "I am willing to relocate" option! Well, no response so bye bye dream Chinese man. Oh, and he plays the sax. I hate him.
Interesting how I've written the most about the one with the least, or no chance of consummation. Hmmmm.... I'm such a textbook case!
Oh, and I should try to reconnect with that PhD dude. I kind of left him hanging 6 weeks ago.
So I've gotten requests from my readers to share my profile. So here it is. Very simple. Hope you can read fine print.
And to share some more stories from one of my eHarm crimies (one of two I convinced to join - patience ladies...)
- one fellow looked like a douche, was 5'7" and put down that his job was "business owner / badass"
- another one said that reading "isn't my thing"
What? Dude, JUST LIE, YOU SOUND LIKE A TROGLODYTE
Online dating is filled with these great nuggets times hundreds of thousands so those 4 I mentioned above are diamonds in the rough.
It does take a lot of time, which is something I'm having less and less of as my start up is taking up more and more energy and mind share, which is what I was afraid of... Maybe I can find a developer and boyfriend in one! JACKPOT!!!!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
The Evolution of One
In a span of 6 weeks, he went from No. 1 to Only.1 to Not the. 1
I didn't feel the spark and he knew it. So he didn't bring his A game. He brought C at best, C for comme ci comme ca. French for like this, like that: so so. But he tried, tried hard to tolerate the comme ci comme ca ness of our feelings towards each other - even powered through a baby shower (co-ed) into week 4. What a great guy.
Maybe we jumped in too deep too fast and the romance of mystery and anticipation was botched before we gave it a proper chance. Or, before I gave it a proper chance. Me, being the PMSing nip-it-in-the-budder, broached the topic of how he felt for me last week. I was feeling for weeks that he was a bit lackluster in his expression towards my arrivals at his doorstep, my presence in his bed and our various evening outings. I did try, yes three times, to open up to him but what felt to me like an anvil dropping, for the average person, it probably felt like the weight of a spec of dust. He probably didn't notice.
So I checked in with him. It turned out that he was feeling exactly how I was feeling! I was lackluster towards him. Naturally. And naturally, we both want more, just a little more.
Well, aren't we a couple of spoiled brats? "There's no spark!" "There's no romance!" Palease. Where's the romance two screaming kids deep, with a mortgage, extra marital temptations (not to mention affairs), 40 lbs later (not me), saggy flatter ass (yes, me), on and on and on...
Our generation is paralyzed, stunted and damaged by too many choices.
Ok, so if I'm going to be honest, it's mostly my fault. Week two, I told him, "I would protect myself against myself," so the warning went. I couldn't help it. Ironically, I was a lot freaked out by his expression of excitement towards me. And, he really took it to heart because after that, there was a marked shift of expression from excited to a bit lackluster.
Maybe that showed that he didn't really feel it for me either and if I hadn't sent him the Paul Revere, it would have dragged out the inevitable - that we're just better as friends. When it's not there, it's not there. That's it.
It is a bit disappointing because we are sincerely very fond of each other, a lot.
Maybe it's timing... maybe if we had met 10 years ago and were friends for ever...
Maybe maybe maybe. The paradox of choice. My grandmothers had no choice. The communists were coming.
So is the end of my eHarmony VIP pass. Waste no time. Back online tonight to catch up on 6 weeks of match communication requests.
I didn't feel the spark and he knew it. So he didn't bring his A game. He brought C at best, C for comme ci comme ca. French for like this, like that: so so. But he tried, tried hard to tolerate the comme ci comme ca ness of our feelings towards each other - even powered through a baby shower (co-ed) into week 4. What a great guy.
Maybe we jumped in too deep too fast and the romance of mystery and anticipation was botched before we gave it a proper chance. Or, before I gave it a proper chance. Me, being the PMSing nip-it-in-the-budder, broached the topic of how he felt for me last week. I was feeling for weeks that he was a bit lackluster in his expression towards my arrivals at his doorstep, my presence in his bed and our various evening outings. I did try, yes three times, to open up to him but what felt to me like an anvil dropping, for the average person, it probably felt like the weight of a spec of dust. He probably didn't notice.
So I checked in with him. It turned out that he was feeling exactly how I was feeling! I was lackluster towards him. Naturally. And naturally, we both want more, just a little more.
Well, aren't we a couple of spoiled brats? "There's no spark!" "There's no romance!" Palease. Where's the romance two screaming kids deep, with a mortgage, extra marital temptations (not to mention affairs), 40 lbs later (not me), saggy flatter ass (yes, me), on and on and on...
Our generation is paralyzed, stunted and damaged by too many choices.
Ok, so if I'm going to be honest, it's mostly my fault. Week two, I told him, "I would protect myself against myself," so the warning went. I couldn't help it. Ironically, I was a lot freaked out by his expression of excitement towards me. And, he really took it to heart because after that, there was a marked shift of expression from excited to a bit lackluster.
Maybe that showed that he didn't really feel it for me either and if I hadn't sent him the Paul Revere, it would have dragged out the inevitable - that we're just better as friends. When it's not there, it's not there. That's it.
It is a bit disappointing because we are sincerely very fond of each other, a lot.
Maybe it's timing... maybe if we had met 10 years ago and were friends for ever...
Maybe maybe maybe. The paradox of choice. My grandmothers had no choice. The communists were coming.
So is the end of my eHarmony VIP pass. Waste no time. Back online tonight to catch up on 6 weeks of match communication requests.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
The Power of the Couple
I was recently introduced to the idea that being coupled opens doors to a powerful social sphere from which singles are barred. Is this TRUE?? I always thought I was invited to all the cool and power events beCAUSE I was single!
If there really is this inner circle of uber cool power couple events, I'm determined to find it and enter it.
I'm just not cut out for multi-dating, online dating is a bit wasted on me I suppose, kind of like buffets are. So now that No. 1 is the Only. 1, I can do some real infiltration into this alleged world of power coupledom. I just have to get Only. 1 to be more socially adventurous, which is an adventure in itself!
God, I already feel so much pressure to be a witty, chic Bradjolina or something. Nevermind.
Meanwhile, I wanted to share a couple stories from my friends working the online dating circuit:
Spotted: wedding photo with ex wife cut out
Slapped: ass on first date
Extricated: stage 5 clinger - final straw: showing up at her work unwanted and unannounced
Also, I had Only.1 show me his eHarm matches. Let me just say, the guys have it MUCH better than the girls. WTF?!?!
If there really is this inner circle of uber cool power couple events, I'm determined to find it and enter it.
I'm just not cut out for multi-dating, online dating is a bit wasted on me I suppose, kind of like buffets are. So now that No. 1 is the Only. 1, I can do some real infiltration into this alleged world of power coupledom. I just have to get Only. 1 to be more socially adventurous, which is an adventure in itself!
God, I already feel so much pressure to be a witty, chic Bradjolina or something. Nevermind.
Meanwhile, I wanted to share a couple stories from my friends working the online dating circuit:
Spotted: wedding photo with ex wife cut out
Slapped: ass on first date
Extricated: stage 5 clinger - final straw: showing up at her work unwanted and unannounced
Also, I had Only.1 show me his eHarm matches. Let me just say, the guys have it MUCH better than the girls. WTF?!?!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The Screening
Screening profiles is quite a skill. You must take your entire lifetime of learned social cues to judge how one reference implies major character flaws. It's loads of fun.
Step one: getting past the photo/s. If the guy is decent looking, there's inevitably one photo that is questionable: a blue steel head shot, wearing a cheesy Billabong graphic tee, the sexually ambivalent one, standing next to a big sculpture intended to attract children (like an oversized M&M animation), I can go on...
Step two for me is height, no shorter than 5'11. 2 inches, is that too much to ask for??
And here's where the real culture and style snob in me comes in.
Here's the recent no-fly-zones:
- referenced Jay Leno as funny
- favorite recent book was the one about the ivy league gamblers who beat vegas
- any business book as a favorite book (no, I would never date someone like my Cisco-psycho brother but I think he's clever enough to know how to attract what he wants, which he did! plus he had me and Alta to show him the cultural ropes)
- almost any made-to-movie book, especially the thrillers
- any mention of cuddling with pet dog
- trying to be a poet: "things I appreciate most: eyes so I can see, ears so I can listen, heart so I can feel"
Some of my favorites from my online dating cohorts:
- anything cliche like, "I like to live life to the fullest"
Would love to hear others, anyone for share and tell?
On a positive note, what I do look for is someone with a more unconventional background.
- not born in this country
- traveled extensively, lived in other parts of the world
- more specifically, Chinese guy born in India, interesting!
- intellectual- say, sites New Yorker as his favorite publication
- sense of humor - tough one, but anything that makes me chuckle a bit, like "one thing I wish more people would notice about me is that I'm funnier than you" Well, it's only funny if he's so perceptive that nobody gets him but it's probably because he really isn't funny.
- some sense of humility - that's a tough read too...
- self-deprecating humor
- biographies as a recent favorite book
You really have to read between the lines because anyone can create a rosy profile. I mean, I'm not going to write that my college nickname was Jizzoyce (now abbreviated to simply Jizz) and that my brother places me in the "castrator" wave of the feminist movement. Hey, but I am caring in my own way, thanks Ryan! I wonder if you can tell I'm a bully from my profile... I've been trying to shed the fear factor since Hong Kong, definitely an avatar you don't want to know.
Step one: getting past the photo/s. If the guy is decent looking, there's inevitably one photo that is questionable: a blue steel head shot, wearing a cheesy Billabong graphic tee, the sexually ambivalent one, standing next to a big sculpture intended to attract children (like an oversized M&M animation), I can go on...
Step two for me is height, no shorter than 5'11. 2 inches, is that too much to ask for??
And here's where the real culture and style snob in me comes in.
Here's the recent no-fly-zones:
- referenced Jay Leno as funny
- favorite recent book was the one about the ivy league gamblers who beat vegas
- any business book as a favorite book (no, I would never date someone like my Cisco-psycho brother but I think he's clever enough to know how to attract what he wants, which he did! plus he had me and Alta to show him the cultural ropes)
- almost any made-to-movie book, especially the thrillers
- any mention of cuddling with pet dog
- trying to be a poet: "things I appreciate most: eyes so I can see, ears so I can listen, heart so I can feel"
Some of my favorites from my online dating cohorts:
- no favorite movie =shawshank redemption or DiVinci Code
- no more than one mention of a dog
- no pics of them + dog- anything cliche like, "I like to live life to the fullest"
Would love to hear others, anyone for share and tell?
On a positive note, what I do look for is someone with a more unconventional background.
- not born in this country
- traveled extensively, lived in other parts of the world
- more specifically, Chinese guy born in India, interesting!
- intellectual- say, sites New Yorker as his favorite publication
- sense of humor - tough one, but anything that makes me chuckle a bit, like "one thing I wish more people would notice about me is that I'm funnier than you" Well, it's only funny if he's so perceptive that nobody gets him but it's probably because he really isn't funny.
- some sense of humility - that's a tough read too...
- self-deprecating humor
- biographies as a recent favorite book
You really have to read between the lines because anyone can create a rosy profile. I mean, I'm not going to write that my college nickname was Jizzoyce (now abbreviated to simply Jizz) and that my brother places me in the "castrator" wave of the feminist movement. Hey, but I am caring in my own way, thanks Ryan! I wonder if you can tell I'm a bully from my profile... I've been trying to shed the fear factor since Hong Kong, definitely an avatar you don't want to know.
Friday, February 12, 2010
33 and Single
Date no. 2 with no. 1 couldn't have gone better. Just fun conversation. Well, it was mostly me grilling him on two subjects. One of which is still not fully resolved, in my perspective. GRILLing to continue. Don't feel sorry for him, he likes it - really, he does. We're seeing each other again on Monday. I just remembered one guy I dated who had jokingly accused me of being very investigative, or was it interrogative...? Anywho....
I was curious about two topics with No. 1:
1. his recent dramatic career shift from corporate crisis communications to business development
2. why he is 44 and still single
Let's just skip to topic 2 shall we. I asked him questions which I hoped would extract an answer that revealed extensive self-reflection. The kind that I and some girl friends do to the death of us (you know who you are). But normal people aren't so masochistic are they?
So now I'm going to expose some of my madness. Not that it's hidden from plain view but just play along.
Why am I 33 and still single? This is the seemingly impossible question to answer for all 30 and over single women. I will only speak for myself and maybe some can relate.
I have two huge conflicting identities that I'm finally just now starting to reconcile. On one end, I am a down to earth, want the simple things in life, giving back to humanity kind of gal. On the other end, I am a brand of power woman who is over-achieving, status and image motivated who wants to build something meaningful. I was always searching for that certain kind of power dude that would validate me as the latter without actually achieving "success." Because that achievement-motivated drive inevitably comes with the fear of failing, or of mediocrity.
But when I achieved what convention deems successful, I felt completely out of my skin. I felt uncomfortable with the so-called power men that would pursue me. So this ideal guy I was waiting for was ultimately unattainable because I was chasing an identity that collided violently with who I really am, which is a delicate balance between those two polarities. So I guess I'm still dealing with the same problem I had 10 years ago, except now, I'm just painfully aware of the dichotomies.
After years of experimenting with many identities from guitar totin feminist to black pride to model in denial to fashion exec, I am finally - almost - ready to be who I'm meant to be and be with someone who truly compliments that. I am constantly reminded of a quote from Joseph Campbell (he was actually quoting the Upanishad) that goes something like, the greatest gift you can give to the world is to be who you were meant to be (perfection of your soul). Um, something like that, I have to find that exact quote.
Work in progress...
Well, by now, I've almost completely forgotten about eHarmony. There are still three guys waiting to hear back from me, who all actually sound very interesting and pleasant. And after going through the entire eHarmony guided communication process twice with the Tyra Mail reward at the end, I actually can appreciate the methodology. The open ended questions were very helpful in seeing a bit of personality and identifying some real values, which motivated my intrigue to continue the conversation.
I still look through the new matches to have a good laugh though. I also skim the ones who have closed communication with me and make up ego-stroking reasons why they did so.
Looking forward to my blog in two years titled 35 and childless.
I was curious about two topics with No. 1:
1. his recent dramatic career shift from corporate crisis communications to business development
2. why he is 44 and still single
Let's just skip to topic 2 shall we. I asked him questions which I hoped would extract an answer that revealed extensive self-reflection. The kind that I and some girl friends do to the death of us (you know who you are). But normal people aren't so masochistic are they?
So now I'm going to expose some of my madness. Not that it's hidden from plain view but just play along.
Why am I 33 and still single? This is the seemingly impossible question to answer for all 30 and over single women. I will only speak for myself and maybe some can relate.
I have two huge conflicting identities that I'm finally just now starting to reconcile. On one end, I am a down to earth, want the simple things in life, giving back to humanity kind of gal. On the other end, I am a brand of power woman who is over-achieving, status and image motivated who wants to build something meaningful. I was always searching for that certain kind of power dude that would validate me as the latter without actually achieving "success." Because that achievement-motivated drive inevitably comes with the fear of failing, or of mediocrity.
But when I achieved what convention deems successful, I felt completely out of my skin. I felt uncomfortable with the so-called power men that would pursue me. So this ideal guy I was waiting for was ultimately unattainable because I was chasing an identity that collided violently with who I really am, which is a delicate balance between those two polarities. So I guess I'm still dealing with the same problem I had 10 years ago, except now, I'm just painfully aware of the dichotomies.
After years of experimenting with many identities from guitar totin feminist to black pride to model in denial to fashion exec, I am finally - almost - ready to be who I'm meant to be and be with someone who truly compliments that. I am constantly reminded of a quote from Joseph Campbell (he was actually quoting the Upanishad) that goes something like, the greatest gift you can give to the world is to be who you were meant to be (perfection of your soul). Um, something like that, I have to find that exact quote.
Work in progress...
Well, by now, I've almost completely forgotten about eHarmony. There are still three guys waiting to hear back from me, who all actually sound very interesting and pleasant. And after going through the entire eHarmony guided communication process twice with the Tyra Mail reward at the end, I actually can appreciate the methodology. The open ended questions were very helpful in seeing a bit of personality and identifying some real values, which motivated my intrigue to continue the conversation.
I still look through the new matches to have a good laugh though. I also skim the ones who have closed communication with me and make up ego-stroking reasons why they did so.
Looking forward to my blog in two years titled 35 and childless.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
eHarm's Got Competition
Getting an eHarmony email message is like getting "Tyra Mail!" because it's such a big deal to get a direct message from your matches. They even format the email alert to imply high importance and serious subject matter. Very exciting.
I got one from the "I'm in love with my job" dude and instantly regretted contacting him direct first. He added a second photo of himself. It was not good. I have yet to open the message...
There are two others I've been sending questions back and forth with and am almost to the final Tyra Mail stage of communication. Not too excited about them - let me tell you why:
- Ivy League PHD dude [awesome] BUT admires his martial arts teacher he had when he spent 5 years in Japan [major yellow fever alert]
- 6'2", loves to travel [awesome] BUT engineer [umm, no offense to my family] AND one really gay photo of himself in tight red shirt and camping hat, side rims flipped up (reads beret), leaning against a tree [I guess better than a basketball jersey....]
hmmmph
On the bright side, No. 1 and I have been emailing little witty emails back and forth setting up our second date. Yup, second date. Wouldn't it be crazy if the first guy to contact me works out into a relationship. Talk about beginner's luck.
He sent me an interesting article which makes a good case for online dating.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/07/business/07stream.html?scp=1&sq=eharmony&st=cse
It peaked my curiosity enough to get onto chemistry.com which tries to match you by brain chemistry. Very interesting if it works... They ask you non-preference / personality type questions such as the relative length of your ring finger to your index finger and to pick the sincere smile from four portrait photos. The answers are supposed to tell the program your dopamine levels, which is a trigger for feelings of attraction and excitement.
Excerpt:
"Based on a review of scientific studies on neurotransmitters and chemicals like dopamine in the brain, she determined that humans tend to express one of four dominant temperaments.
I got one from the "I'm in love with my job" dude and instantly regretted contacting him direct first. He added a second photo of himself. It was not good. I have yet to open the message...
There are two others I've been sending questions back and forth with and am almost to the final Tyra Mail stage of communication. Not too excited about them - let me tell you why:
- Ivy League PHD dude [awesome] BUT admires his martial arts teacher he had when he spent 5 years in Japan [major yellow fever alert]
- 6'2", loves to travel [awesome] BUT engineer [umm, no offense to my family] AND one really gay photo of himself in tight red shirt and camping hat, side rims flipped up (reads beret), leaning against a tree [I guess better than a basketball jersey....]
hmmmph
On the bright side, No. 1 and I have been emailing little witty emails back and forth setting up our second date. Yup, second date. Wouldn't it be crazy if the first guy to contact me works out into a relationship. Talk about beginner's luck.
He sent me an interesting article which makes a good case for online dating.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/07/business/07stream.html?scp=1&sq=eharmony&st=cse
It peaked my curiosity enough to get onto chemistry.com which tries to match you by brain chemistry. Very interesting if it works... They ask you non-preference / personality type questions such as the relative length of your ring finger to your index finger and to pick the sincere smile from four portrait photos. The answers are supposed to tell the program your dopamine levels, which is a trigger for feelings of attraction and excitement.
Excerpt:
"Based on a review of scientific studies on neurotransmitters and chemicals like dopamine in the brain, she determined that humans tend to express one of four dominant temperaments.
Since the [chemistry.com's] introduction in 2006, more than eight million people have answered Dr. Fisher’s questionnaire, and she has used their answers to pinpoint traits that attract people to one another. She says people of decisive, straight-talking temperament, whom she calls “directors,” tend to be attracted to empathetic, intuitive types she calls “negotiators.” Spontaneous types (“explorers”) tend to be attracted to their own kind, while traditional pillars of society (“builders”) also tend to seek out partners that resemble themselves."
The personality assessment is pretty right on. My primary personality type is explorer and secondary is director. I recommend taking the test just to get your personality type. It's interesting.
So far, I have 12 matches and 4 clicked "interested in you." Of course I can't view any of them until I pay up but I can see their primary personality type and a max 128 character profile "tweet."
One says, "My two favorite things are committment and changing myself." He's either completely taking the piss or is really that desperate... Can't see his photo so can't tell you.
Should I subscribe to find out?
oh and date no. 2 with no. 1 this Thur!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Date No.1 with No. 1
I know everyone is dying to know how my first date with my first online match went. For consistency I'll rate it using the eHarm 1-7 scale. I'd give it a 6. Pretty good. We talked for three hours and could have talked more, although the introvert - or restlessness - in me was itching a bit to hit the "wrap it up" button. It's exhausting to be fully engaged for that long. Is it a bad sign that it was exhausting??
I did come out of the three hour session with a big smiley face though. We talked about everything from his work, the Google in China story, to my time in Hong Kong, him growing up with two sisters, a lot on the "theory" of online dating, blah blah. He showed me his Nexxus one and I showed him my fav iPhone apps - gross.
After I got home and had some time to process the event, I dropped the rating to a 5. Six was much too high, he's gotta work towards something! My default tendency is to be on sell mode so I have to remember that he's trying to sell me, helllooo!!
I reflected on the fact that he did not ask anything about my career, even though I dropped several times that I'm working on a start-up and gave him many opportunities to enquire about mentioned schizophrenic yet exciting work history. I can go on and on about the implications of that, laced with feminist theories but how boring and so-15-years-ago is that.
I also started thinking how similar we are, in perspectives and interests. He is also a Taurus - really not sure how two bullishly stubborn attitudes would work out together. That was the case with my most recent ex. That was ridiculously painful.
No. 1 emailed me exactly 48 minutes after I left him with a nice message. I think I'll play the game a bit and keep him anticipating. Games work, on many levels and for many reasons. Sad but true. Gramma's words keep echoing in my head, "You musn't rush into any 'relations.' He won't respect you otherwise. And make sure you ask about his family's medical history."
So this gives me time to contemplate some other matches, none too exciting. And, I lose interest very quickly with the eHarm sending back and forth of questions. Multiple choice questions about how I'd like to spend my Saturday night doesn't really tell anyone much. And it drags out the process for weeks.
I took a cue from No. 1 and just went straight to email with one of them - a dude in advertising who is obviously very in love with his career. Thought I can do some networking. ;+ bad? aint no pride in 2009... or 2010.
Hopefully I'll have a 2-rate date to report. That would be funny, in a tragic way.
I did come out of the three hour session with a big smiley face though. We talked about everything from his work, the Google in China story, to my time in Hong Kong, him growing up with two sisters, a lot on the "theory" of online dating, blah blah. He showed me his Nexxus one and I showed him my fav iPhone apps - gross.
After I got home and had some time to process the event, I dropped the rating to a 5. Six was much too high, he's gotta work towards something! My default tendency is to be on sell mode so I have to remember that he's trying to sell me, helllooo!!
I reflected on the fact that he did not ask anything about my career, even though I dropped several times that I'm working on a start-up and gave him many opportunities to enquire about mentioned schizophrenic yet exciting work history. I can go on and on about the implications of that, laced with feminist theories but how boring and so-15-years-ago is that.
I also started thinking how similar we are, in perspectives and interests. He is also a Taurus - really not sure how two bullishly stubborn attitudes would work out together. That was the case with my most recent ex. That was ridiculously painful.
No. 1 emailed me exactly 48 minutes after I left him with a nice message. I think I'll play the game a bit and keep him anticipating. Games work, on many levels and for many reasons. Sad but true. Gramma's words keep echoing in my head, "You musn't rush into any 'relations.' He won't respect you otherwise. And make sure you ask about his family's medical history."
So this gives me time to contemplate some other matches, none too exciting. And, I lose interest very quickly with the eHarm sending back and forth of questions. Multiple choice questions about how I'd like to spend my Saturday night doesn't really tell anyone much. And it drags out the process for weeks.
I took a cue from No. 1 and just went straight to email with one of them - a dude in advertising who is obviously very in love with his career. Thought I can do some networking. ;+ bad? aint no pride in 2009... or 2010.
Hopefully I'll have a 2-rate date to report. That would be funny, in a tragic way.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I am 5'4" and my match's height is very very important to me
*SHOCK*
No match messages from eHarmony Monday morning!
Was this a programming glitch or have my matches ran out?? I was really starting to look forward to the gasps of horror and guffaws at the unintended comedy of the profile photos.
Whatever the case, with no matches to scrutinize, I got to thinking how I could have changed my preferences to yield zero matches for Monday.
I fiddle around with my preferences every other day or so to test its yields. For example, for the preferences of height and, education and income, they ask you for your own stat and rate on a scale of 1-7 how important your match's stat in this area is to you. At first, I rated them all at 7.
Ian and Ryan were having a discussion about how the programming of this preference works. As a woman, I instantly defaulted to thinking that they would match you with your stat and higher. But the boys wondered if they just match you by same rating, regardless of your own stat.
This would explain why I was getting the occasional 5'5" s and 5'4"s. They must have rated height to be a 7 for their partner, "I am 5'4" and my match's height is very very important to me". That doesn't say much does it? This could also mean that unemployed men can get paired up with suga mommas. hmmmm. Louisa? Are you reading this? Any explanation?
Then I remembered I filled in more of my profile; my can't stands and must haves (they limit you to choose 10 per category, uuuhhgg so hard!! I mean, how do I pick between denial and poor hygiene for my can't stands??) Did those preferences make me a difficult personality and of unmatchable quality again??
Didn't want to take the risk so with Ryan and Ian's suggestion, I opened up my religion preferences, lightened up my income rating and with Christine's persuasive powers, I lighted up my height rating! I know, another SHOCK.
I'm just going to believe that this did the trick because in flood the matches with a wopping two more potentials and a few maybe proceed with caution. One even: "PhD at Stanford University in renewable energy looking to start another busines ..." He did spell business wrong... eeeks
And, I have a date with No. 1 on Sunday! (before the big superbowl game thingy)
woot woot, getting exciting!
No match messages from eHarmony Monday morning!
Was this a programming glitch or have my matches ran out?? I was really starting to look forward to the gasps of horror and guffaws at the unintended comedy of the profile photos.
Whatever the case, with no matches to scrutinize, I got to thinking how I could have changed my preferences to yield zero matches for Monday.
I fiddle around with my preferences every other day or so to test its yields. For example, for the preferences of height and, education and income, they ask you for your own stat and rate on a scale of 1-7 how important your match's stat in this area is to you. At first, I rated them all at 7.
Ian and Ryan were having a discussion about how the programming of this preference works. As a woman, I instantly defaulted to thinking that they would match you with your stat and higher. But the boys wondered if they just match you by same rating, regardless of your own stat.
This would explain why I was getting the occasional 5'5" s and 5'4"s. They must have rated height to be a 7 for their partner, "I am 5'4" and my match's height is very very important to me". That doesn't say much does it? This could also mean that unemployed men can get paired up with suga mommas. hmmmm. Louisa? Are you reading this? Any explanation?
Then I remembered I filled in more of my profile; my can't stands and must haves (they limit you to choose 10 per category, uuuhhgg so hard!! I mean, how do I pick between denial and poor hygiene for my can't stands??) Did those preferences make me a difficult personality and of unmatchable quality again??
Didn't want to take the risk so with Ryan and Ian's suggestion, I opened up my religion preferences, lightened up my income rating and with Christine's persuasive powers, I lighted up my height rating! I know, another SHOCK.
I'm just going to believe that this did the trick because in flood the matches with a wopping two more potentials and a few maybe proceed with caution. One even: "PhD at Stanford University in renewable energy looking to start another busines ..." He did spell business wrong... eeeks
And, I have a date with No. 1 on Sunday! (before the big superbowl game thingy)
woot woot, getting exciting!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Potential dates fall dramatically
So I received my VIP code on Jan 29 and I was pleasantly surprised to see that my promotion ended on my birthday, April 29! I took it as a sign ... of the immanent success this experiment. mmmhmmm
The first profile photo I saw gave me big hope - tall, handsome, athletic, intellectual, fun. He initiated the 'final stage" of communication straight to messaging, skipping the sending back and forth of stock questions. More on this later.
Then it was just downhill from there. Indian comb overs with stache, pregnant beer guts, 5'4"s, Chinese with pleated khakis hiked to his tits, glamour shots on velour chaise, pasty bulimic engineers...
One very conservative looking Asian guy even had "SEX activity" as one of his favorite hobbies.
Close communication - ALL - except the first dude, who I'm holding on to for hope. We'll just call him No. 1 for now. He complimented me on my import girl photo - the one Alta took in Bali of me in my banana dress playing camo in the produce section. We've exchanged a couple emails in which he tried to get my personal email - don't think i'm willing to give any personal details yet. But, I think I'll suggest we meet in person next. (!)
Until 12.30am....
The first profile photo I saw gave me big hope - tall, handsome, athletic, intellectual, fun. He initiated the 'final stage" of communication straight to messaging, skipping the sending back and forth of stock questions. More on this later.
Then it was just downhill from there. Indian comb overs with stache, pregnant beer guts, 5'4"s, Chinese with pleated khakis hiked to his tits, glamour shots on velour chaise, pasty bulimic engineers...
One very conservative looking Asian guy even had "SEX activity" as one of his favorite hobbies.
Close communication - ALL - except the first dude, who I'm holding on to for hope. We'll just call him No. 1 for now. He complimented me on my import girl photo - the one Alta took in Bali of me in my banana dress playing camo in the produce section. We've exchanged a couple emails in which he tried to get my personal email - don't think i'm willing to give any personal details yet. But, I think I'll suggest we meet in person next. (!)
Until 12.30am....
How many matches?
On the 27th of January, I filled out the seemingly endless questionnaire that asked me to rate everything from my tidiness to my emotional levels. I whizzed through it realizing how well I know myself these days. 10 years ago, I'd be deliberating over every answer trying to deny my natural tendencies while aspiring to be someone I wasn't. Who has time for that now??
If you've ever taken the Meyrs Briggs, the test is very much like these personality tests. It's clear that the programming is very robust and the questionnaire is based on real sociological science, which fascinates me. This is verified by a pretty accurate, for the most part, personality report describing five traits, agreeableness, openness, emotional stability, conscientiousness, and extroversion.
I wonder if the program recognizes contradicting answers. For example, in the beginning the survey, I answered questions that clearly identify me as an "aggressive communicator," one who is passionate about my opinions and expressing them. Then later in the survey, it asks me how much I try to see the other's point of view.
If I can rationally understand the other's view, I will back down from my stance. But if I'm not given compelling rationale to either tolerate and be compassionate of the other view or am convinced that I am wrong, I am pretty passionate and stubborn about my view point. Either way, I stay loyal to the chosen path.
I do want to work on softening these tendencies so when it came to questions that touched the more aspirational self, such as trying to see other's point of view, I did answer it with a bit of a lean towards where I want to be... just being honest.
Curiosity mounted as I finished the survey and my temporary profile was compiled using excerpts from the open-ended questions. I carefully choose 4 no-glam, just honest photos that subtly hinted at my love of travel, creative side and sense of fun.
Hit submit.
Instantly, 7 matches. SEVEN out of the thousands within a 300 radius of San Francisco?? I'm even difficult to please on paper! Apparently, a friend knew someone who had NO MATCHES in the ENTIRE WORLD! An old client of mine had told me after she had taken half a day to finish an online dating survey, it told her that based on her personality, she is not suited for their services! sucks! Suppose I should be grateful for seven!
Well, I was relieved to find out that their slick email marketing strategy is to slowly feed you 7 new matches every day at 12:30am.
But before I found this out, within hours after I received my first matches, TWO already closed communication with posted reasons (1) "our physical distance was just too great" - the dude lived in San Jose. (2) "based on your profile, I'm not interested"
!?!?!?!? Did you SEE my photos and read my very well articulated profile introduction!?!?
Well that completely squelched any snobbery I had left around thinking I was too cool and pretty to do online dating. "As painful as they are, I appreciate experiences that humble me." joyce eHarmony profile
What REALLY killed me was that I hadn't got my VIP code yet so I couldn't even see these guys' photos! One guy's profile talked way too much about how he liked to snuggle with his dog - eeeeks - so fine. All the other matches written profiles all seemed nice enough so I was intrigued.
So here comes pure honesty. No holds barred.
If you've ever taken the Meyrs Briggs, the test is very much like these personality tests. It's clear that the programming is very robust and the questionnaire is based on real sociological science, which fascinates me. This is verified by a pretty accurate, for the most part, personality report describing five traits, agreeableness, openness, emotional stability, conscientiousness, and extroversion.
I wonder if the program recognizes contradicting answers. For example, in the beginning the survey, I answered questions that clearly identify me as an "aggressive communicator," one who is passionate about my opinions and expressing them. Then later in the survey, it asks me how much I try to see the other's point of view.
If I can rationally understand the other's view, I will back down from my stance. But if I'm not given compelling rationale to either tolerate and be compassionate of the other view or am convinced that I am wrong, I am pretty passionate and stubborn about my view point. Either way, I stay loyal to the chosen path.
I do want to work on softening these tendencies so when it came to questions that touched the more aspirational self, such as trying to see other's point of view, I did answer it with a bit of a lean towards where I want to be... just being honest.
Curiosity mounted as I finished the survey and my temporary profile was compiled using excerpts from the open-ended questions. I carefully choose 4 no-glam, just honest photos that subtly hinted at my love of travel, creative side and sense of fun.
Hit submit.
Instantly, 7 matches. SEVEN out of the thousands within a 300 radius of San Francisco?? I'm even difficult to please on paper! Apparently, a friend knew someone who had NO MATCHES in the ENTIRE WORLD! An old client of mine had told me after she had taken half a day to finish an online dating survey, it told her that based on her personality, she is not suited for their services! sucks! Suppose I should be grateful for seven!
Well, I was relieved to find out that their slick email marketing strategy is to slowly feed you 7 new matches every day at 12:30am.
But before I found this out, within hours after I received my first matches, TWO already closed communication with posted reasons (1) "our physical distance was just too great" - the dude lived in San Jose. (2) "based on your profile, I'm not interested"
!?!?!?!? Did you SEE my photos and read my very well articulated profile introduction!?!?
Well that completely squelched any snobbery I had left around thinking I was too cool and pretty to do online dating. "As painful as they are, I appreciate experiences that humble me." joyce eHarmony profile
What REALLY killed me was that I hadn't got my VIP code yet so I couldn't even see these guys' photos! One guy's profile talked way too much about how he liked to snuggle with his dog - eeeeks - so fine. All the other matches written profiles all seemed nice enough so I was intrigued.
So here comes pure honesty. No holds barred.
Can a computer program choose better than I?
"I've been choosing the wrong men my whole life - I wanted to see if a computer program can do better than I can." And those were the words that finally convinced me to jump on the online dating train. Thanks dear friend, you know who you are.
Oh how much her statement struck the deepest cords of regret and confusion as my schizophrenic dating history flashed before my eyes - starting with the bad boys (with a teddy bear interior of course) to the playboys to the nice guys I should have stayed with to the unavailable to chasing the ones that didn't want me.
I absolutely have more faith in technology than in my choice of men. I'm hopelessly tethered to my laptop and shamelessly addicted to my iPhone. I do geek out on technology because I'm fascinated by how it changes life as we know it in an instant (excerpt from my eHarm profile).
So at this point in my life in limbo land, I got nothing to loose!
And Thanks Louisa!
Oh how much her statement struck the deepest cords of regret and confusion as my schizophrenic dating history flashed before my eyes - starting with the bad boys (with a teddy bear interior of course) to the playboys to the nice guys I should have stayed with to the unavailable to chasing the ones that didn't want me.
I absolutely have more faith in technology than in my choice of men. I'm hopelessly tethered to my laptop and shamelessly addicted to my iPhone. I do geek out on technology because I'm fascinated by how it changes life as we know it in an instant (excerpt from my eHarm profile).
So at this point in my life in limbo land, I got nothing to loose!
And Thanks Louisa!
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