Date no. 2 with no. 1 couldn't have gone better. Just fun conversation. Well, it was mostly me grilling him on two subjects. One of which is still not fully resolved, in my perspective. GRILLing to continue. Don't feel sorry for him, he likes it - really, he does. We're seeing each other again on Monday. I just remembered one guy I dated who had jokingly accused me of being very investigative, or was it interrogative...? Anywho....
I was curious about two topics with No. 1:
1. his recent dramatic career shift from corporate crisis communications to business development
2. why he is 44 and still single
Let's just skip to topic 2 shall we. I asked him questions which I hoped would extract an answer that revealed extensive self-reflection. The kind that I and some girl friends do to the death of us (you know who you are). But normal people aren't so masochistic are they?
So now I'm going to expose some of my madness. Not that it's hidden from plain view but just play along.
Why am I 33 and still single? This is the seemingly impossible question to answer for all 30 and over single women. I will only speak for myself and maybe some can relate.
I have two huge conflicting identities that I'm finally just now starting to reconcile. On one end, I am a down to earth, want the simple things in life, giving back to humanity kind of gal. On the other end, I am a brand of power woman who is over-achieving, status and image motivated who wants to build something meaningful. I was always searching for that certain kind of power dude that would validate me as the latter without actually achieving "success." Because that achievement-motivated drive inevitably comes with the fear of failing, or of mediocrity.
But when I achieved what convention deems successful, I felt completely out of my skin. I felt uncomfortable with the so-called power men that would pursue me. So this ideal guy I was waiting for was ultimately unattainable because I was chasing an identity that collided violently with who I really am, which is a delicate balance between those two polarities. So I guess I'm still dealing with the same problem I had 10 years ago, except now, I'm just painfully aware of the dichotomies.
After years of experimenting with many identities from guitar totin feminist to black pride to model in denial to fashion exec, I am finally - almost - ready to be who I'm meant to be and be with someone who truly compliments that. I am constantly reminded of a quote from Joseph Campbell (he was actually quoting the Upanishad) that goes something like, the greatest gift you can give to the world is to be who you were meant to be (perfection of your soul). Um, something like that, I have to find that exact quote.
Work in progress...
Well, by now, I've almost completely forgotten about eHarmony. There are still three guys waiting to hear back from me, who all actually sound very interesting and pleasant. And after going through the entire eHarmony guided communication process twice with the Tyra Mail reward at the end, I actually can appreciate the methodology. The open ended questions were very helpful in seeing a bit of personality and identifying some real values, which motivated my intrigue to continue the conversation.
I still look through the new matches to have a good laugh though. I also skim the ones who have closed communication with me and make up ego-stroking reasons why they did so.
Looking forward to my blog in two years titled 35 and childless.
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Why should it even matter how old someone is and "still" single? Where is it written we must be attached to someone at a certain age? For some it happens later. I very much believe that it's all the ones who succumb to the outlandish notion that they MUST be married by age 25, who wind up divorced ten or so years later. Let it happen when it happens. In actuality, there is no big clock keeping track.
ReplyDeletePS - the same goes for having kids. So what if it doesn't happen? There are enough kids on the planet already - just because you are biologically able, doesn't mean it's meant to be. Plus, there are too many kids with no one to love them. Adoption is one of the noblest things one can do.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't have a husband and kid until much later in life, why should it even matter? Happiness is an inside job, and should not be based on societal "norms." You can't let this pressure to have kids and be a wife make you crazy trying to find someone - I mean, what a lot of pressure for whoever you're auditioning for that role! What if you just met someone you really dig, developed a good rapport with him, and let it evolve naturally without trying to force him or yourself into some pre-conceived role you think you should be in? Now, that's really living in the moment.