Where's the Romance?

After 9 weeks of being on eHarm, I am now allowed to make some sweeping generalizations about online dating. I can because I've experienced from beginning to end my first relationship that resulted from online dating, am currently "communicating" with quite a few matches and I'm an extraordinarily fast learner.

It all amounts to this: Romance is dead in our generation, in our country of the U S of A and online dating is killing any chance of its revival.

Call me spoiled but I do want romance. And for romance, all I'm asking for is that they proof read their 4 sentence emails before sending them filled with careless typos and misspellings. Then maybe one line that shows some effort to be funny, charming or thought-provoking or just thoughtful would be nice.

We come into online dating with skepticism (almost "last resort" attitude, thus the stigma) and the idea that if there are millions of matches as advertised by these dating services, you can't possibly put your 100 percent into each encounter. It's a one in a million chance that you'll find your LIFE PARTNER (in caps to inspire or scare you) so you better learn to filter efficiently.

This set up is not conducive to romantic encounters when the failure rate is so high and there's an underlining idea that if one doesn't work out, the next one of the thousands waiting to be matched to your specifications could be better. There's little motivation to invest and put some real effort into the dating process. So we're short and almost flippant with our communication style. I am certainly guilt of this.

In response to the VC dude's jesting question about what I'd do with my kids when they pass the adorable age range of 1.5 - 6, I wrote, "Well, I thought I'd just sell them to some sweatshop in Vietnam for some good loot." No added emoticon, no "just kidding, really though...", just period and on the next liner. I haven't heard from him since. Now I know how Brits feel when they say Americans don't know sarcasm. Whatever, he's too short for me anyway. There's tons more 5'9"ers waiting in the sidelines!

Look, I'm all about positive psychology and you-get-what-you-put-out there attitude but there comes a point when you just have to surrender to the statistics.

So time to switch strategies. Entrepreneurs are agile. I don't know what the new strategy is just yet but I will start by conducting more market research with two new matches that I'm actually open to meeting. Well, I'm open today but I may change my mind tomorrow just because I can. I mean, there are millions of matches out there right???

So the two contenders today are: one, a young digital entrepreneur (the one with the lame typo); two, a "financial analyst / business owner" with a likable profile but he has just one tiny photo showing only his face. Great smile but he's probably sportin more gut than I prefer. You can kind of tell by his face and neck girth.

Meanwhile, let's contemplate why our generation sucks at romance and committing, starting with the below excerpt from an article about one SF single woman's thoughts and experiences with commitment phobia. Although she speaks of SF only, I believe her experiences are applicable to all major urban US cities.

A picture of the SF singles scene emerged: The prevalence of online dating due to our tech leanings; the confluence of creative, migratory people; the area’s penchant for therapy (Joe had taken me to his therapist of 10 years to receive empathy for his commitment issues). It all amounted to a particular flavor of romance: one I was souring on.

Then one day it came to me—the obvious, that is. SF singles are trapped in this loneliness together. The women approach men as enemy combatants, and then wonder why they cower. The men sense the women’s disdain, and then wonder why they have trouble committing.

Opening yourself to love means “accepting your place in human history.” Whoa. Could that be the real reason for San Franciscans’ inability to settle down? Are we so attached to the idea of being exceptional that we just can’t fathom settling—which would mean, in this case, settling down into the great ordinary mass of humanity? Is long-term love (as opposed to sex and romance) just too ordinary for San Franciscans?

"Accepting our place in human history" is becoming harder and harder because we have too many choices which makes actually choosing terrifying and not choosing the easiest choice. There's the fear that something better may come along and we will be stuck with ordinary in comparison. So nobody invests in romance.

On one hand, men don't need to be romantic anymore to win the desperate hearts of "liberated" women who have become paranoid and unbalanced in their "independence". In other cases, men don't know how to be romantic because they've lost their machismo. In Europe and Asia, American men have the reputation of being pussies - completely castrated by dominating, independent women.

But why would American men want to be romantic when their women don't know how to make a man feel like a man? We expect men to pick up the tab and be romanced but we give them nothing but a hard time in return. We should play our traditional part a bit more if we want some chivalry.

Or, we need to adjust our expectations and actions to more equal and honest romance reciprocity. Our male vs female balance within ourselves and between the sexes needs to be recalibrated for 2010. It's like we're still playing with the old rules even though the game has changed.

Ultimately, I believe this fear of being trapped (the fear of choosing) will be resolved when I am fulfilled and actualized enough myself - a place where I will not be chasing what's better because I will know that what I have and who I am is perfect.