The Evolution of One

In a span of 6 weeks, he went from No. 1 to Only.1 to Not the. 1

I didn't feel the spark and he knew it. So he didn't bring his A game. He brought C at best, C for comme ci comme ca. French for like this, like that: so so. But he tried, tried hard to tolerate the comme ci comme ca ness of our feelings towards each other - even powered through a baby shower (co-ed) into week 4. What a great guy.

Maybe we jumped in too deep too fast and the romance of mystery and anticipation was botched before we gave it a proper chance. Or, before I gave it a proper chance. Me, being the PMSing nip-it-in-the-budder, broached the topic of how he felt for me last week. I was feeling for weeks that he was a bit lackluster in his expression towards my arrivals at his doorstep, my presence in his bed and our various evening outings. I did try, yes three times, to open up to him but what felt to me like an anvil dropping, for the average person, it probably felt like the weight of a spec of dust. He probably didn't notice.

So I checked in with him. It turned out that he was feeling exactly how I was feeling! I was lackluster towards him. Naturally. And naturally, we both want more, just a little more.

Well, aren't we a couple of spoiled brats? "There's no spark!" "There's no romance!" Palease. Where's the romance two screaming kids deep, with a mortgage, extra marital temptations (not to mention affairs), 40 lbs later (not me), saggy flatter ass (yes, me), on and on and on...

Our generation is paralyzed, stunted and damaged by too many choices.


Ok, so if I'm going to be honest, it's mostly my fault. Week two, I told him, "I would protect myself against myself," so the warning went. I couldn't help it. Ironically, I was a lot freaked out by his expression of excitement towards me. And, he really took it to heart because after that, there was a marked shift of expression from excited to a bit lackluster.

Maybe that showed that he didn't really feel it for me either and if I hadn't sent him the Paul Revere, it would have dragged out the inevitable - that we're just better as friends. When it's not there, it's not there. That's it.

It is a bit disappointing because we are sincerely very fond of each other, a lot.

Maybe it's timing... maybe if we had met 10 years ago and were friends for ever...

Maybe maybe maybe. The paradox of choice. My grandmothers had no choice. The communists were coming.

So is the end of my eHarmony VIP pass. Waste no time. Back online tonight to catch up on 6 weeks of match communication requests.