Date no. 2 with no. 1 couldn't have gone better. Just fun conversation. Well, it was mostly me grilling him on two subjects. One of which is still not fully resolved, in my perspective. GRILLing to continue. Don't feel sorry for him, he likes it - really, he does. We're seeing each other again on Monday. I just remembered one guy I dated who had jokingly accused me of being very investigative, or was it interrogative...? Anywho....
I was curious about two topics with No. 1:
1. his recent dramatic career shift from corporate crisis communications to business development
2. why he is 44 and still single
Let's just skip to topic 2 shall we. I asked him questions which I hoped would extract an answer that revealed extensive self-reflection. The kind that I and some girl friends do to the death of us (you know who you are). But normal people aren't so masochistic are they?
So now I'm going to expose some of my madness. Not that it's hidden from plain view but just play along.
Why am I 33 and still single? This is the seemingly impossible question to answer for all 30 and over single women. I will only speak for myself and maybe some can relate.
I have two huge conflicting identities that I'm finally just now starting to reconcile. On one end, I am a down to earth, want the simple things in life, giving back to humanity kind of gal. On the other end, I am a brand of power woman who is over-achieving, status and image motivated who wants to build something meaningful. I was always searching for that certain kind of power dude that would validate me as the latter without actually achieving "success." Because that achievement-motivated drive inevitably comes with the fear of failing, or of mediocrity.
But when I achieved what convention deems successful, I felt completely out of my skin. I felt uncomfortable with the so-called power men that would pursue me. So this ideal guy I was waiting for was ultimately unattainable because I was chasing an identity that collided violently with who I really am, which is a delicate balance between those two polarities. So I guess I'm still dealing with the same problem I had 10 years ago, except now, I'm just painfully aware of the dichotomies.
After years of experimenting with many identities from guitar totin feminist to black pride to model in denial to fashion exec, I am finally - almost - ready to be who I'm meant to be and be with someone who truly compliments that. I am constantly reminded of a quote from Joseph Campbell (he was actually quoting the Upanishad) that goes something like, the greatest gift you can give to the world is to be who you were meant to be (perfection of your soul). Um, something like that, I have to find that exact quote.
Work in progress...
Well, by now, I've almost completely forgotten about eHarmony. There are still three guys waiting to hear back from me, who all actually sound very interesting and pleasant. And after going through the entire eHarmony guided communication process twice with the Tyra Mail reward at the end, I actually can appreciate the methodology. The open ended questions were very helpful in seeing a bit of personality and identifying some real values, which motivated my intrigue to continue the conversation.
I still look through the new matches to have a good laugh though. I also skim the ones who have closed communication with me and make up ego-stroking reasons why they did so.
Looking forward to my blog in two years titled 35 and childless.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
eHarm's Got Competition
Getting an eHarmony email message is like getting "Tyra Mail!" because it's such a big deal to get a direct message from your matches. They even format the email alert to imply high importance and serious subject matter. Very exciting.
I got one from the "I'm in love with my job" dude and instantly regretted contacting him direct first. He added a second photo of himself. It was not good. I have yet to open the message...
There are two others I've been sending questions back and forth with and am almost to the final Tyra Mail stage of communication. Not too excited about them - let me tell you why:
- Ivy League PHD dude [awesome] BUT admires his martial arts teacher he had when he spent 5 years in Japan [major yellow fever alert]
- 6'2", loves to travel [awesome] BUT engineer [umm, no offense to my family] AND one really gay photo of himself in tight red shirt and camping hat, side rims flipped up (reads beret), leaning against a tree [I guess better than a basketball jersey....]
hmmmph
On the bright side, No. 1 and I have been emailing little witty emails back and forth setting up our second date. Yup, second date. Wouldn't it be crazy if the first guy to contact me works out into a relationship. Talk about beginner's luck.
He sent me an interesting article which makes a good case for online dating.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/07/business/07stream.html?scp=1&sq=eharmony&st=cse
It peaked my curiosity enough to get onto chemistry.com which tries to match you by brain chemistry. Very interesting if it works... They ask you non-preference / personality type questions such as the relative length of your ring finger to your index finger and to pick the sincere smile from four portrait photos. The answers are supposed to tell the program your dopamine levels, which is a trigger for feelings of attraction and excitement.
Excerpt:
"Based on a review of scientific studies on neurotransmitters and chemicals like dopamine in the brain, she determined that humans tend to express one of four dominant temperaments.
I got one from the "I'm in love with my job" dude and instantly regretted contacting him direct first. He added a second photo of himself. It was not good. I have yet to open the message...
There are two others I've been sending questions back and forth with and am almost to the final Tyra Mail stage of communication. Not too excited about them - let me tell you why:
- Ivy League PHD dude [awesome] BUT admires his martial arts teacher he had when he spent 5 years in Japan [major yellow fever alert]
- 6'2", loves to travel [awesome] BUT engineer [umm, no offense to my family] AND one really gay photo of himself in tight red shirt and camping hat, side rims flipped up (reads beret), leaning against a tree [I guess better than a basketball jersey....]
hmmmph
On the bright side, No. 1 and I have been emailing little witty emails back and forth setting up our second date. Yup, second date. Wouldn't it be crazy if the first guy to contact me works out into a relationship. Talk about beginner's luck.
He sent me an interesting article which makes a good case for online dating.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/07/business/07stream.html?scp=1&sq=eharmony&st=cse
It peaked my curiosity enough to get onto chemistry.com which tries to match you by brain chemistry. Very interesting if it works... They ask you non-preference / personality type questions such as the relative length of your ring finger to your index finger and to pick the sincere smile from four portrait photos. The answers are supposed to tell the program your dopamine levels, which is a trigger for feelings of attraction and excitement.
Excerpt:
"Based on a review of scientific studies on neurotransmitters and chemicals like dopamine in the brain, she determined that humans tend to express one of four dominant temperaments.
Since the [chemistry.com's] introduction in 2006, more than eight million people have answered Dr. Fisher’s questionnaire, and she has used their answers to pinpoint traits that attract people to one another. She says people of decisive, straight-talking temperament, whom she calls “directors,” tend to be attracted to empathetic, intuitive types she calls “negotiators.” Spontaneous types (“explorers”) tend to be attracted to their own kind, while traditional pillars of society (“builders”) also tend to seek out partners that resemble themselves."
The personality assessment is pretty right on. My primary personality type is explorer and secondary is director. I recommend taking the test just to get your personality type. It's interesting.
So far, I have 12 matches and 4 clicked "interested in you." Of course I can't view any of them until I pay up but I can see their primary personality type and a max 128 character profile "tweet."
One says, "My two favorite things are committment and changing myself." He's either completely taking the piss or is really that desperate... Can't see his photo so can't tell you.
Should I subscribe to find out?
oh and date no. 2 with no. 1 this Thur!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Date No.1 with No. 1
I know everyone is dying to know how my first date with my first online match went. For consistency I'll rate it using the eHarm 1-7 scale. I'd give it a 6. Pretty good. We talked for three hours and could have talked more, although the introvert - or restlessness - in me was itching a bit to hit the "wrap it up" button. It's exhausting to be fully engaged for that long. Is it a bad sign that it was exhausting??
I did come out of the three hour session with a big smiley face though. We talked about everything from his work, the Google in China story, to my time in Hong Kong, him growing up with two sisters, a lot on the "theory" of online dating, blah blah. He showed me his Nexxus one and I showed him my fav iPhone apps - gross.
After I got home and had some time to process the event, I dropped the rating to a 5. Six was much too high, he's gotta work towards something! My default tendency is to be on sell mode so I have to remember that he's trying to sell me, helllooo!!
I reflected on the fact that he did not ask anything about my career, even though I dropped several times that I'm working on a start-up and gave him many opportunities to enquire about mentioned schizophrenic yet exciting work history. I can go on and on about the implications of that, laced with feminist theories but how boring and so-15-years-ago is that.
I also started thinking how similar we are, in perspectives and interests. He is also a Taurus - really not sure how two bullishly stubborn attitudes would work out together. That was the case with my most recent ex. That was ridiculously painful.
No. 1 emailed me exactly 48 minutes after I left him with a nice message. I think I'll play the game a bit and keep him anticipating. Games work, on many levels and for many reasons. Sad but true. Gramma's words keep echoing in my head, "You musn't rush into any 'relations.' He won't respect you otherwise. And make sure you ask about his family's medical history."
So this gives me time to contemplate some other matches, none too exciting. And, I lose interest very quickly with the eHarm sending back and forth of questions. Multiple choice questions about how I'd like to spend my Saturday night doesn't really tell anyone much. And it drags out the process for weeks.
I took a cue from No. 1 and just went straight to email with one of them - a dude in advertising who is obviously very in love with his career. Thought I can do some networking. ;+ bad? aint no pride in 2009... or 2010.
Hopefully I'll have a 2-rate date to report. That would be funny, in a tragic way.
I did come out of the three hour session with a big smiley face though. We talked about everything from his work, the Google in China story, to my time in Hong Kong, him growing up with two sisters, a lot on the "theory" of online dating, blah blah. He showed me his Nexxus one and I showed him my fav iPhone apps - gross.
After I got home and had some time to process the event, I dropped the rating to a 5. Six was much too high, he's gotta work towards something! My default tendency is to be on sell mode so I have to remember that he's trying to sell me, helllooo!!
I reflected on the fact that he did not ask anything about my career, even though I dropped several times that I'm working on a start-up and gave him many opportunities to enquire about mentioned schizophrenic yet exciting work history. I can go on and on about the implications of that, laced with feminist theories but how boring and so-15-years-ago is that.
I also started thinking how similar we are, in perspectives and interests. He is also a Taurus - really not sure how two bullishly stubborn attitudes would work out together. That was the case with my most recent ex. That was ridiculously painful.
No. 1 emailed me exactly 48 minutes after I left him with a nice message. I think I'll play the game a bit and keep him anticipating. Games work, on many levels and for many reasons. Sad but true. Gramma's words keep echoing in my head, "You musn't rush into any 'relations.' He won't respect you otherwise. And make sure you ask about his family's medical history."
So this gives me time to contemplate some other matches, none too exciting. And, I lose interest very quickly with the eHarm sending back and forth of questions. Multiple choice questions about how I'd like to spend my Saturday night doesn't really tell anyone much. And it drags out the process for weeks.
I took a cue from No. 1 and just went straight to email with one of them - a dude in advertising who is obviously very in love with his career. Thought I can do some networking. ;+ bad? aint no pride in 2009... or 2010.
Hopefully I'll have a 2-rate date to report. That would be funny, in a tragic way.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I am 5'4" and my match's height is very very important to me
*SHOCK*
No match messages from eHarmony Monday morning!
Was this a programming glitch or have my matches ran out?? I was really starting to look forward to the gasps of horror and guffaws at the unintended comedy of the profile photos.
Whatever the case, with no matches to scrutinize, I got to thinking how I could have changed my preferences to yield zero matches for Monday.
I fiddle around with my preferences every other day or so to test its yields. For example, for the preferences of height and, education and income, they ask you for your own stat and rate on a scale of 1-7 how important your match's stat in this area is to you. At first, I rated them all at 7.
Ian and Ryan were having a discussion about how the programming of this preference works. As a woman, I instantly defaulted to thinking that they would match you with your stat and higher. But the boys wondered if they just match you by same rating, regardless of your own stat.
This would explain why I was getting the occasional 5'5" s and 5'4"s. They must have rated height to be a 7 for their partner, "I am 5'4" and my match's height is very very important to me". That doesn't say much does it? This could also mean that unemployed men can get paired up with suga mommas. hmmmm. Louisa? Are you reading this? Any explanation?
Then I remembered I filled in more of my profile; my can't stands and must haves (they limit you to choose 10 per category, uuuhhgg so hard!! I mean, how do I pick between denial and poor hygiene for my can't stands??) Did those preferences make me a difficult personality and of unmatchable quality again??
Didn't want to take the risk so with Ryan and Ian's suggestion, I opened up my religion preferences, lightened up my income rating and with Christine's persuasive powers, I lighted up my height rating! I know, another SHOCK.
I'm just going to believe that this did the trick because in flood the matches with a wopping two more potentials and a few maybe proceed with caution. One even: "PhD at Stanford University in renewable energy looking to start another busines ..." He did spell business wrong... eeeks
And, I have a date with No. 1 on Sunday! (before the big superbowl game thingy)
woot woot, getting exciting!
No match messages from eHarmony Monday morning!
Was this a programming glitch or have my matches ran out?? I was really starting to look forward to the gasps of horror and guffaws at the unintended comedy of the profile photos.
Whatever the case, with no matches to scrutinize, I got to thinking how I could have changed my preferences to yield zero matches for Monday.
I fiddle around with my preferences every other day or so to test its yields. For example, for the preferences of height and, education and income, they ask you for your own stat and rate on a scale of 1-7 how important your match's stat in this area is to you. At first, I rated them all at 7.
Ian and Ryan were having a discussion about how the programming of this preference works. As a woman, I instantly defaulted to thinking that they would match you with your stat and higher. But the boys wondered if they just match you by same rating, regardless of your own stat.
This would explain why I was getting the occasional 5'5" s and 5'4"s. They must have rated height to be a 7 for their partner, "I am 5'4" and my match's height is very very important to me". That doesn't say much does it? This could also mean that unemployed men can get paired up with suga mommas. hmmmm. Louisa? Are you reading this? Any explanation?
Then I remembered I filled in more of my profile; my can't stands and must haves (they limit you to choose 10 per category, uuuhhgg so hard!! I mean, how do I pick between denial and poor hygiene for my can't stands??) Did those preferences make me a difficult personality and of unmatchable quality again??
Didn't want to take the risk so with Ryan and Ian's suggestion, I opened up my religion preferences, lightened up my income rating and with Christine's persuasive powers, I lighted up my height rating! I know, another SHOCK.
I'm just going to believe that this did the trick because in flood the matches with a wopping two more potentials and a few maybe proceed with caution. One even: "PhD at Stanford University in renewable energy looking to start another busines ..." He did spell business wrong... eeeks
And, I have a date with No. 1 on Sunday! (before the big superbowl game thingy)
woot woot, getting exciting!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Potential dates fall dramatically
So I received my VIP code on Jan 29 and I was pleasantly surprised to see that my promotion ended on my birthday, April 29! I took it as a sign ... of the immanent success this experiment. mmmhmmm
The first profile photo I saw gave me big hope - tall, handsome, athletic, intellectual, fun. He initiated the 'final stage" of communication straight to messaging, skipping the sending back and forth of stock questions. More on this later.
Then it was just downhill from there. Indian comb overs with stache, pregnant beer guts, 5'4"s, Chinese with pleated khakis hiked to his tits, glamour shots on velour chaise, pasty bulimic engineers...
One very conservative looking Asian guy even had "SEX activity" as one of his favorite hobbies.
Close communication - ALL - except the first dude, who I'm holding on to for hope. We'll just call him No. 1 for now. He complimented me on my import girl photo - the one Alta took in Bali of me in my banana dress playing camo in the produce section. We've exchanged a couple emails in which he tried to get my personal email - don't think i'm willing to give any personal details yet. But, I think I'll suggest we meet in person next. (!)
Until 12.30am....
The first profile photo I saw gave me big hope - tall, handsome, athletic, intellectual, fun. He initiated the 'final stage" of communication straight to messaging, skipping the sending back and forth of stock questions. More on this later.
Then it was just downhill from there. Indian comb overs with stache, pregnant beer guts, 5'4"s, Chinese with pleated khakis hiked to his tits, glamour shots on velour chaise, pasty bulimic engineers...
One very conservative looking Asian guy even had "SEX activity" as one of his favorite hobbies.
Close communication - ALL - except the first dude, who I'm holding on to for hope. We'll just call him No. 1 for now. He complimented me on my import girl photo - the one Alta took in Bali of me in my banana dress playing camo in the produce section. We've exchanged a couple emails in which he tried to get my personal email - don't think i'm willing to give any personal details yet. But, I think I'll suggest we meet in person next. (!)
Until 12.30am....
How many matches?
On the 27th of January, I filled out the seemingly endless questionnaire that asked me to rate everything from my tidiness to my emotional levels. I whizzed through it realizing how well I know myself these days. 10 years ago, I'd be deliberating over every answer trying to deny my natural tendencies while aspiring to be someone I wasn't. Who has time for that now??
If you've ever taken the Meyrs Briggs, the test is very much like these personality tests. It's clear that the programming is very robust and the questionnaire is based on real sociological science, which fascinates me. This is verified by a pretty accurate, for the most part, personality report describing five traits, agreeableness, openness, emotional stability, conscientiousness, and extroversion.
I wonder if the program recognizes contradicting answers. For example, in the beginning the survey, I answered questions that clearly identify me as an "aggressive communicator," one who is passionate about my opinions and expressing them. Then later in the survey, it asks me how much I try to see the other's point of view.
If I can rationally understand the other's view, I will back down from my stance. But if I'm not given compelling rationale to either tolerate and be compassionate of the other view or am convinced that I am wrong, I am pretty passionate and stubborn about my view point. Either way, I stay loyal to the chosen path.
I do want to work on softening these tendencies so when it came to questions that touched the more aspirational self, such as trying to see other's point of view, I did answer it with a bit of a lean towards where I want to be... just being honest.
Curiosity mounted as I finished the survey and my temporary profile was compiled using excerpts from the open-ended questions. I carefully choose 4 no-glam, just honest photos that subtly hinted at my love of travel, creative side and sense of fun.
Hit submit.
Instantly, 7 matches. SEVEN out of the thousands within a 300 radius of San Francisco?? I'm even difficult to please on paper! Apparently, a friend knew someone who had NO MATCHES in the ENTIRE WORLD! An old client of mine had told me after she had taken half a day to finish an online dating survey, it told her that based on her personality, she is not suited for their services! sucks! Suppose I should be grateful for seven!
Well, I was relieved to find out that their slick email marketing strategy is to slowly feed you 7 new matches every day at 12:30am.
But before I found this out, within hours after I received my first matches, TWO already closed communication with posted reasons (1) "our physical distance was just too great" - the dude lived in San Jose. (2) "based on your profile, I'm not interested"
!?!?!?!? Did you SEE my photos and read my very well articulated profile introduction!?!?
Well that completely squelched any snobbery I had left around thinking I was too cool and pretty to do online dating. "As painful as they are, I appreciate experiences that humble me." joyce eHarmony profile
What REALLY killed me was that I hadn't got my VIP code yet so I couldn't even see these guys' photos! One guy's profile talked way too much about how he liked to snuggle with his dog - eeeeks - so fine. All the other matches written profiles all seemed nice enough so I was intrigued.
So here comes pure honesty. No holds barred.
If you've ever taken the Meyrs Briggs, the test is very much like these personality tests. It's clear that the programming is very robust and the questionnaire is based on real sociological science, which fascinates me. This is verified by a pretty accurate, for the most part, personality report describing five traits, agreeableness, openness, emotional stability, conscientiousness, and extroversion.
I wonder if the program recognizes contradicting answers. For example, in the beginning the survey, I answered questions that clearly identify me as an "aggressive communicator," one who is passionate about my opinions and expressing them. Then later in the survey, it asks me how much I try to see the other's point of view.
If I can rationally understand the other's view, I will back down from my stance. But if I'm not given compelling rationale to either tolerate and be compassionate of the other view or am convinced that I am wrong, I am pretty passionate and stubborn about my view point. Either way, I stay loyal to the chosen path.
I do want to work on softening these tendencies so when it came to questions that touched the more aspirational self, such as trying to see other's point of view, I did answer it with a bit of a lean towards where I want to be... just being honest.
Curiosity mounted as I finished the survey and my temporary profile was compiled using excerpts from the open-ended questions. I carefully choose 4 no-glam, just honest photos that subtly hinted at my love of travel, creative side and sense of fun.
Hit submit.
Instantly, 7 matches. SEVEN out of the thousands within a 300 radius of San Francisco?? I'm even difficult to please on paper! Apparently, a friend knew someone who had NO MATCHES in the ENTIRE WORLD! An old client of mine had told me after she had taken half a day to finish an online dating survey, it told her that based on her personality, she is not suited for their services! sucks! Suppose I should be grateful for seven!
Well, I was relieved to find out that their slick email marketing strategy is to slowly feed you 7 new matches every day at 12:30am.
But before I found this out, within hours after I received my first matches, TWO already closed communication with posted reasons (1) "our physical distance was just too great" - the dude lived in San Jose. (2) "based on your profile, I'm not interested"
!?!?!?!? Did you SEE my photos and read my very well articulated profile introduction!?!?
Well that completely squelched any snobbery I had left around thinking I was too cool and pretty to do online dating. "As painful as they are, I appreciate experiences that humble me." joyce eHarmony profile
What REALLY killed me was that I hadn't got my VIP code yet so I couldn't even see these guys' photos! One guy's profile talked way too much about how he liked to snuggle with his dog - eeeeks - so fine. All the other matches written profiles all seemed nice enough so I was intrigued.
So here comes pure honesty. No holds barred.
Can a computer program choose better than I?
"I've been choosing the wrong men my whole life - I wanted to see if a computer program can do better than I can." And those were the words that finally convinced me to jump on the online dating train. Thanks dear friend, you know who you are.
Oh how much her statement struck the deepest cords of regret and confusion as my schizophrenic dating history flashed before my eyes - starting with the bad boys (with a teddy bear interior of course) to the playboys to the nice guys I should have stayed with to the unavailable to chasing the ones that didn't want me.
I absolutely have more faith in technology than in my choice of men. I'm hopelessly tethered to my laptop and shamelessly addicted to my iPhone. I do geek out on technology because I'm fascinated by how it changes life as we know it in an instant (excerpt from my eHarm profile).
So at this point in my life in limbo land, I got nothing to loose!
And Thanks Louisa!
Oh how much her statement struck the deepest cords of regret and confusion as my schizophrenic dating history flashed before my eyes - starting with the bad boys (with a teddy bear interior of course) to the playboys to the nice guys I should have stayed with to the unavailable to chasing the ones that didn't want me.
I absolutely have more faith in technology than in my choice of men. I'm hopelessly tethered to my laptop and shamelessly addicted to my iPhone. I do geek out on technology because I'm fascinated by how it changes life as we know it in an instant (excerpt from my eHarm profile).
So at this point in my life in limbo land, I got nothing to loose!
And Thanks Louisa!
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