Account closed 7 days before my 3 month trial ends. What a relief. After the last two complete failures of a date, I just couldn't stand seeing eharmony in my inbox anymore. The matches are getting worse and worse, or I'm just getting less and less tolerant. Whatever the case, online dating is definitely not for me. It was fun for the novelty in the beginning, nice but boring in the middle and just disturbing at the end. "Disturbing" was punctuated by one date who was so surprised I spoke good engrish and the last one who was as gay as a picnic basket. Such an apropos way to close the loop for someone in fashion isn't it?
What did I learn? Romance is dead, online dating is not for me and blogging is my self indulgent narcissistic obsession.
"The eHarm Experiment" has officially come to an end and "Adventures of a Female Exmodel Digital Entrepreneur in the Fashion B2B Space based in Silicon Valley" begins. Such an unlikely convergence of opposing worlds will surely yield some anomalous, challenging experiences for insightful analysis. I already have tons of rich fodder to start with.
Stay tuned!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Where's the Romance?
After 9 weeks of being on eHarm, I am now allowed to make some sweeping generalizations about online dating. I can because I've experienced from beginning to end my first relationship that resulted from online dating, am currently "communicating" with quite a few matches and I'm an extraordinarily fast learner.
It all amounts to this: Romance is dead in our generation, in our country of the U S of A and online dating is killing any chance of its revival.
Call me spoiled but I do want romance. And for romance, all I'm asking for is that they proof read their 4 sentence emails before sending them filled with careless typos and misspellings. Then maybe one line that shows some effort to be funny, charming or thought-provoking or just thoughtful would be nice.
We come into online dating with skepticism (almost "last resort" attitude, thus the stigma) and the idea that if there are millions of matches as advertised by these dating services, you can't possibly put your 100 percent into each encounter. It's a one in a million chance that you'll find your LIFE PARTNER (in caps to inspire or scare you) so you better learn to filter efficiently.
This set up is not conducive to romantic encounters when the failure rate is so high and there's an underlining idea that if one doesn't work out, the next one of the thousands waiting to be matched to your specifications could be better. There's little motivation to invest and put some real effort into the dating process. So we're short and almost flippant with our communication style. I am certainly guilt of this.
In response to the VC dude's jesting question about what I'd do with my kids when they pass the adorable age range of 1.5 - 6, I wrote, "Well, I thought I'd just sell them to some sweatshop in Vietnam for some good loot." No added emoticon, no "just kidding, really though...", just period and on the next liner. I haven't heard from him since. Now I know how Brits feel when they say Americans don't know sarcasm. Whatever, he's too short for me anyway. There's tons more 5'9"ers waiting in the sidelines!
Look, I'm all about positive psychology and you-get-what-you-put-out there attitude but there comes a point when you just have to surrender to the statistics.
So time to switch strategies. Entrepreneurs are agile. I don't know what the new strategy is just yet but I will start by conducting more market research with two new matches that I'm actually open to meeting. Well, I'm open today but I may change my mind tomorrow just because I can. I mean, there are millions of matches out there right???
So the two contenders today are: one, a young digital entrepreneur (the one with the lame typo); two, a "financial analyst / business owner" with a likable profile but he has just one tiny photo showing only his face. Great smile but he's probably sportin more gut than I prefer. You can kind of tell by his face and neck girth.
Meanwhile, let's contemplate why our generation sucks at romance and committing, starting with the below excerpt from an article about one SF single woman's thoughts and experiences with commitment phobia. Although she speaks of SF only, I believe her experiences are applicable to all major urban US cities.
A picture of the SF singles scene emerged: The prevalence of online dating due to our tech leanings; the confluence of creative, migratory people; the area’s penchant for therapy (Joe had taken me to his therapist of 10 years to receive empathy for his commitment issues). It all amounted to a particular flavor of romance: one I was souring on.
Then one day it came to me—the obvious, that is. SF singles are trapped in this loneliness together. The women approach men as enemy combatants, and then wonder why they cower. The men sense the women’s disdain, and then wonder why they have trouble committing.
Opening yourself to love means “accepting your place in human history.” Whoa. Could that be the real reason for San Franciscans’ inability to settle down? Are we so attached to the idea of being exceptional that we just can’t fathom settling—which would mean, in this case, settling down into the great ordinary mass of humanity? Is long-term love (as opposed to sex and romance) just too ordinary for San Franciscans?
"Accepting our place in human history" is becoming harder and harder because we have too many choices which makes actually choosing terrifying and not choosing the easiest choice. There's the fear that something better may come along and we will be stuck with ordinary in comparison. So nobody invests in romance.
On one hand, men don't need to be romantic anymore to win the desperate hearts of "liberated" women who have become paranoid and unbalanced in their "independence". In other cases, men don't know how to be romantic because they've lost their machismo. In Europe and Asia, American men have the reputation of being pussies - completely castrated by dominating, independent women.
But why would American men want to be romantic when their women don't know how to make a man feel like a man? We expect men to pick up the tab and be romanced but we give them nothing but a hard time in return. We should play our traditional part a bit more if we want some chivalry.
Or, we need to adjust our expectations and actions to more equal and honest romance reciprocity. Our male vs female balance within ourselves and between the sexes needs to be recalibrated for 2010. It's like we're still playing with the old rules even though the game has changed.
Ultimately, I believe this fear of being trapped (the fear of choosing) will be resolved when I am fulfilled and actualized enough myself - a place where I will not be chasing what's better because I will know that what I have and who I am is perfect.
It all amounts to this: Romance is dead in our generation, in our country of the U S of A and online dating is killing any chance of its revival.
Call me spoiled but I do want romance. And for romance, all I'm asking for is that they proof read their 4 sentence emails before sending them filled with careless typos and misspellings. Then maybe one line that shows some effort to be funny, charming or thought-provoking or just thoughtful would be nice.
We come into online dating with skepticism (almost "last resort" attitude, thus the stigma) and the idea that if there are millions of matches as advertised by these dating services, you can't possibly put your 100 percent into each encounter. It's a one in a million chance that you'll find your LIFE PARTNER (in caps to inspire or scare you) so you better learn to filter efficiently.
This set up is not conducive to romantic encounters when the failure rate is so high and there's an underlining idea that if one doesn't work out, the next one of the thousands waiting to be matched to your specifications could be better. There's little motivation to invest and put some real effort into the dating process. So we're short and almost flippant with our communication style. I am certainly guilt of this.
In response to the VC dude's jesting question about what I'd do with my kids when they pass the adorable age range of 1.5 - 6, I wrote, "Well, I thought I'd just sell them to some sweatshop in Vietnam for some good loot." No added emoticon, no "just kidding, really though...", just period and on the next liner. I haven't heard from him since. Now I know how Brits feel when they say Americans don't know sarcasm. Whatever, he's too short for me anyway. There's tons more 5'9"ers waiting in the sidelines!
Look, I'm all about positive psychology and you-get-what-you-put-out there attitude but there comes a point when you just have to surrender to the statistics.
So time to switch strategies. Entrepreneurs are agile. I don't know what the new strategy is just yet but I will start by conducting more market research with two new matches that I'm actually open to meeting. Well, I'm open today but I may change my mind tomorrow just because I can. I mean, there are millions of matches out there right???
So the two contenders today are: one, a young digital entrepreneur (the one with the lame typo); two, a "financial analyst / business owner" with a likable profile but he has just one tiny photo showing only his face. Great smile but he's probably sportin more gut than I prefer. You can kind of tell by his face and neck girth.
Meanwhile, let's contemplate why our generation sucks at romance and committing, starting with the below excerpt from an article about one SF single woman's thoughts and experiences with commitment phobia. Although she speaks of SF only, I believe her experiences are applicable to all major urban US cities.
A picture of the SF singles scene emerged: The prevalence of online dating due to our tech leanings; the confluence of creative, migratory people; the area’s penchant for therapy (Joe had taken me to his therapist of 10 years to receive empathy for his commitment issues). It all amounted to a particular flavor of romance: one I was souring on.
Then one day it came to me—the obvious, that is. SF singles are trapped in this loneliness together. The women approach men as enemy combatants, and then wonder why they cower. The men sense the women’s disdain, and then wonder why they have trouble committing.
Opening yourself to love means “accepting your place in human history.” Whoa. Could that be the real reason for San Franciscans’ inability to settle down? Are we so attached to the idea of being exceptional that we just can’t fathom settling—which would mean, in this case, settling down into the great ordinary mass of humanity? Is long-term love (as opposed to sex and romance) just too ordinary for San Franciscans?
"Accepting our place in human history" is becoming harder and harder because we have too many choices which makes actually choosing terrifying and not choosing the easiest choice. There's the fear that something better may come along and we will be stuck with ordinary in comparison. So nobody invests in romance.
On one hand, men don't need to be romantic anymore to win the desperate hearts of "liberated" women who have become paranoid and unbalanced in their "independence". In other cases, men don't know how to be romantic because they've lost their machismo. In Europe and Asia, American men have the reputation of being pussies - completely castrated by dominating, independent women.
But why would American men want to be romantic when their women don't know how to make a man feel like a man? We expect men to pick up the tab and be romanced but we give them nothing but a hard time in return. We should play our traditional part a bit more if we want some chivalry.
Or, we need to adjust our expectations and actions to more equal and honest romance reciprocity. Our male vs female balance within ourselves and between the sexes needs to be recalibrated for 2010. It's like we're still playing with the old rules even though the game has changed.
Ultimately, I believe this fear of being trapped (the fear of choosing) will be resolved when I am fulfilled and actualized enough myself - a place where I will not be chasing what's better because I will know that what I have and who I am is perfect.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Top Five
eharmony.com is now my second most frequented website. My browser makes it convenient for me to instantly jump on to my five top sites as they appear in the drop down when I type the first w in the addy bar. Right now, they are - in this order - facebook, eharmony, linkedin (because I'm networking like crazy for my startup), netflix (because I started LOST!!), and thesaurus (because I write a lot these days).
I wish I had a top 5 list to speak of on eharmony, but there are four that are worth mentioning for various reasons.
1. International Affairs in the Federal Govt. Interesting. Of course well traveled and informed, loves learning about different cultures. Loved everything about his profile.
BUT,
he said, "The single most important quality I'm looking for is sweetness." I don't think the kind of guy I will have chemistry with is looking for sweetness...
2. Venture Capital Investor (ding ding ding, or suppose it's kaching ching ching - for my biz). He was a literature major and I liked his book list, which was a very eclectic range of interesting subjects. He can't live without yoga - not sure how I feel about that one yet...
BUT,
he's 5'9"
3. Cop dude. Not really my profession type but his profile literally made me laugh out loud. It was sarcastic, self-deprecating, silly, philosophical - all in one.
BUT,
he's 5'9" and he's a bit young - 31. I already teased about us being the same height and he just came back with some ridiculous silly, self-deprecating shit. Was hilarious.
4. MY DREAM CHINESE MAN!!!! Tall, good looking, in biz dev, lived in Paris for 6 years!!!
BUT,
he CLOSED COMMUNICATION on me!! How dare he!!! His reason was "our physical distance is too far." He's in Pasadena (Los Angeles area). What a narrow, unprogressive thinker. Hmmph. Distance is no obstacle for true love. Idiot. He probably only dates blondes. I did send him a final message, which you can do when someone closes comm with you. They give you a few stock responses and I chose, "I thought there was real chemistry there, I think you should reconsider." I wish there was a, "I am willing to relocate" option! Well, no response so bye bye dream Chinese man. Oh, and he plays the sax. I hate him.
Interesting how I've written the most about the one with the least, or no chance of consummation. Hmmmm.... I'm such a textbook case!
Oh, and I should try to reconnect with that PhD dude. I kind of left him hanging 6 weeks ago.
So I've gotten requests from my readers to share my profile. So here it is. Very simple. Hope you can read fine print.
And to share some more stories from one of my eHarm crimies (one of two I convinced to join - patience ladies...)
Online dating is filled with these great nuggets times hundreds of thousands so those 4 I mentioned above are diamonds in the rough.
It does take a lot of time, which is something I'm having less and less of as my start up is taking up more and more energy and mind share, which is what I was afraid of... Maybe I can find a developer and boyfriend in one! JACKPOT!!!!
I wish I had a top 5 list to speak of on eharmony, but there are four that are worth mentioning for various reasons.
1. International Affairs in the Federal Govt. Interesting. Of course well traveled and informed, loves learning about different cultures. Loved everything about his profile.
BUT,
he said, "The single most important quality I'm looking for is sweetness." I don't think the kind of guy I will have chemistry with is looking for sweetness...
2. Venture Capital Investor (ding ding ding, or suppose it's kaching ching ching - for my biz). He was a literature major and I liked his book list, which was a very eclectic range of interesting subjects. He can't live without yoga - not sure how I feel about that one yet...
BUT,
he's 5'9"
3. Cop dude. Not really my profession type but his profile literally made me laugh out loud. It was sarcastic, self-deprecating, silly, philosophical - all in one.
BUT,
he's 5'9" and he's a bit young - 31. I already teased about us being the same height and he just came back with some ridiculous silly, self-deprecating shit. Was hilarious.
4. MY DREAM CHINESE MAN!!!! Tall, good looking, in biz dev, lived in Paris for 6 years!!!
BUT,
he CLOSED COMMUNICATION on me!! How dare he!!! His reason was "our physical distance is too far." He's in Pasadena (Los Angeles area). What a narrow, unprogressive thinker. Hmmph. Distance is no obstacle for true love. Idiot. He probably only dates blondes. I did send him a final message, which you can do when someone closes comm with you. They give you a few stock responses and I chose, "I thought there was real chemistry there, I think you should reconsider." I wish there was a, "I am willing to relocate" option! Well, no response so bye bye dream Chinese man. Oh, and he plays the sax. I hate him.
Interesting how I've written the most about the one with the least, or no chance of consummation. Hmmmm.... I'm such a textbook case!
Oh, and I should try to reconnect with that PhD dude. I kind of left him hanging 6 weeks ago.
So I've gotten requests from my readers to share my profile. So here it is. Very simple. Hope you can read fine print.
And to share some more stories from one of my eHarm crimies (one of two I convinced to join - patience ladies...)
- one fellow looked like a douche, was 5'7" and put down that his job was "business owner / badass"
- another one said that reading "isn't my thing"
What? Dude, JUST LIE, YOU SOUND LIKE A TROGLODYTE
Online dating is filled with these great nuggets times hundreds of thousands so those 4 I mentioned above are diamonds in the rough.
It does take a lot of time, which is something I'm having less and less of as my start up is taking up more and more energy and mind share, which is what I was afraid of... Maybe I can find a developer and boyfriend in one! JACKPOT!!!!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
The Evolution of One
In a span of 6 weeks, he went from No. 1 to Only.1 to Not the. 1
I didn't feel the spark and he knew it. So he didn't bring his A game. He brought C at best, C for comme ci comme ca. French for like this, like that: so so. But he tried, tried hard to tolerate the comme ci comme ca ness of our feelings towards each other - even powered through a baby shower (co-ed) into week 4. What a great guy.
Maybe we jumped in too deep too fast and the romance of mystery and anticipation was botched before we gave it a proper chance. Or, before I gave it a proper chance. Me, being the PMSing nip-it-in-the-budder, broached the topic of how he felt for me last week. I was feeling for weeks that he was a bit lackluster in his expression towards my arrivals at his doorstep, my presence in his bed and our various evening outings. I did try, yes three times, to open up to him but what felt to me like an anvil dropping, for the average person, it probably felt like the weight of a spec of dust. He probably didn't notice.
So I checked in with him. It turned out that he was feeling exactly how I was feeling! I was lackluster towards him. Naturally. And naturally, we both want more, just a little more.
Well, aren't we a couple of spoiled brats? "There's no spark!" "There's no romance!" Palease. Where's the romance two screaming kids deep, with a mortgage, extra marital temptations (not to mention affairs), 40 lbs later (not me), saggy flatter ass (yes, me), on and on and on...
Our generation is paralyzed, stunted and damaged by too many choices.
Ok, so if I'm going to be honest, it's mostly my fault. Week two, I told him, "I would protect myself against myself," so the warning went. I couldn't help it. Ironically, I was a lot freaked out by his expression of excitement towards me. And, he really took it to heart because after that, there was a marked shift of expression from excited to a bit lackluster.
Maybe that showed that he didn't really feel it for me either and if I hadn't sent him the Paul Revere, it would have dragged out the inevitable - that we're just better as friends. When it's not there, it's not there. That's it.
It is a bit disappointing because we are sincerely very fond of each other, a lot.
Maybe it's timing... maybe if we had met 10 years ago and were friends for ever...
Maybe maybe maybe. The paradox of choice. My grandmothers had no choice. The communists were coming.
So is the end of my eHarmony VIP pass. Waste no time. Back online tonight to catch up on 6 weeks of match communication requests.
I didn't feel the spark and he knew it. So he didn't bring his A game. He brought C at best, C for comme ci comme ca. French for like this, like that: so so. But he tried, tried hard to tolerate the comme ci comme ca ness of our feelings towards each other - even powered through a baby shower (co-ed) into week 4. What a great guy.
Maybe we jumped in too deep too fast and the romance of mystery and anticipation was botched before we gave it a proper chance. Or, before I gave it a proper chance. Me, being the PMSing nip-it-in-the-budder, broached the topic of how he felt for me last week. I was feeling for weeks that he was a bit lackluster in his expression towards my arrivals at his doorstep, my presence in his bed and our various evening outings. I did try, yes three times, to open up to him but what felt to me like an anvil dropping, for the average person, it probably felt like the weight of a spec of dust. He probably didn't notice.
So I checked in with him. It turned out that he was feeling exactly how I was feeling! I was lackluster towards him. Naturally. And naturally, we both want more, just a little more.
Well, aren't we a couple of spoiled brats? "There's no spark!" "There's no romance!" Palease. Where's the romance two screaming kids deep, with a mortgage, extra marital temptations (not to mention affairs), 40 lbs later (not me), saggy flatter ass (yes, me), on and on and on...
Our generation is paralyzed, stunted and damaged by too many choices.
Ok, so if I'm going to be honest, it's mostly my fault. Week two, I told him, "I would protect myself against myself," so the warning went. I couldn't help it. Ironically, I was a lot freaked out by his expression of excitement towards me. And, he really took it to heart because after that, there was a marked shift of expression from excited to a bit lackluster.
Maybe that showed that he didn't really feel it for me either and if I hadn't sent him the Paul Revere, it would have dragged out the inevitable - that we're just better as friends. When it's not there, it's not there. That's it.
It is a bit disappointing because we are sincerely very fond of each other, a lot.
Maybe it's timing... maybe if we had met 10 years ago and were friends for ever...
Maybe maybe maybe. The paradox of choice. My grandmothers had no choice. The communists were coming.
So is the end of my eHarmony VIP pass. Waste no time. Back online tonight to catch up on 6 weeks of match communication requests.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
The Power of the Couple
I was recently introduced to the idea that being coupled opens doors to a powerful social sphere from which singles are barred. Is this TRUE?? I always thought I was invited to all the cool and power events beCAUSE I was single!
If there really is this inner circle of uber cool power couple events, I'm determined to find it and enter it.
I'm just not cut out for multi-dating, online dating is a bit wasted on me I suppose, kind of like buffets are. So now that No. 1 is the Only. 1, I can do some real infiltration into this alleged world of power coupledom. I just have to get Only. 1 to be more socially adventurous, which is an adventure in itself!
God, I already feel so much pressure to be a witty, chic Bradjolina or something. Nevermind.
Meanwhile, I wanted to share a couple stories from my friends working the online dating circuit:
Spotted: wedding photo with ex wife cut out
Slapped: ass on first date
Extricated: stage 5 clinger - final straw: showing up at her work unwanted and unannounced
Also, I had Only.1 show me his eHarm matches. Let me just say, the guys have it MUCH better than the girls. WTF?!?!
If there really is this inner circle of uber cool power couple events, I'm determined to find it and enter it.
I'm just not cut out for multi-dating, online dating is a bit wasted on me I suppose, kind of like buffets are. So now that No. 1 is the Only. 1, I can do some real infiltration into this alleged world of power coupledom. I just have to get Only. 1 to be more socially adventurous, which is an adventure in itself!
God, I already feel so much pressure to be a witty, chic Bradjolina or something. Nevermind.
Meanwhile, I wanted to share a couple stories from my friends working the online dating circuit:
Spotted: wedding photo with ex wife cut out
Slapped: ass on first date
Extricated: stage 5 clinger - final straw: showing up at her work unwanted and unannounced
Also, I had Only.1 show me his eHarm matches. Let me just say, the guys have it MUCH better than the girls. WTF?!?!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The Screening
Screening profiles is quite a skill. You must take your entire lifetime of learned social cues to judge how one reference implies major character flaws. It's loads of fun.
Step one: getting past the photo/s. If the guy is decent looking, there's inevitably one photo that is questionable: a blue steel head shot, wearing a cheesy Billabong graphic tee, the sexually ambivalent one, standing next to a big sculpture intended to attract children (like an oversized M&M animation), I can go on...
Step two for me is height, no shorter than 5'11. 2 inches, is that too much to ask for??
And here's where the real culture and style snob in me comes in.
Here's the recent no-fly-zones:
- referenced Jay Leno as funny
- favorite recent book was the one about the ivy league gamblers who beat vegas
- any business book as a favorite book (no, I would never date someone like my Cisco-psycho brother but I think he's clever enough to know how to attract what he wants, which he did! plus he had me and Alta to show him the cultural ropes)
- almost any made-to-movie book, especially the thrillers
- any mention of cuddling with pet dog
- trying to be a poet: "things I appreciate most: eyes so I can see, ears so I can listen, heart so I can feel"
Some of my favorites from my online dating cohorts:
- anything cliche like, "I like to live life to the fullest"
Would love to hear others, anyone for share and tell?
On a positive note, what I do look for is someone with a more unconventional background.
- not born in this country
- traveled extensively, lived in other parts of the world
- more specifically, Chinese guy born in India, interesting!
- intellectual- say, sites New Yorker as his favorite publication
- sense of humor - tough one, but anything that makes me chuckle a bit, like "one thing I wish more people would notice about me is that I'm funnier than you" Well, it's only funny if he's so perceptive that nobody gets him but it's probably because he really isn't funny.
- some sense of humility - that's a tough read too...
- self-deprecating humor
- biographies as a recent favorite book
You really have to read between the lines because anyone can create a rosy profile. I mean, I'm not going to write that my college nickname was Jizzoyce (now abbreviated to simply Jizz) and that my brother places me in the "castrator" wave of the feminist movement. Hey, but I am caring in my own way, thanks Ryan! I wonder if you can tell I'm a bully from my profile... I've been trying to shed the fear factor since Hong Kong, definitely an avatar you don't want to know.
Step one: getting past the photo/s. If the guy is decent looking, there's inevitably one photo that is questionable: a blue steel head shot, wearing a cheesy Billabong graphic tee, the sexually ambivalent one, standing next to a big sculpture intended to attract children (like an oversized M&M animation), I can go on...
Step two for me is height, no shorter than 5'11. 2 inches, is that too much to ask for??
And here's where the real culture and style snob in me comes in.
Here's the recent no-fly-zones:
- referenced Jay Leno as funny
- favorite recent book was the one about the ivy league gamblers who beat vegas
- any business book as a favorite book (no, I would never date someone like my Cisco-psycho brother but I think he's clever enough to know how to attract what he wants, which he did! plus he had me and Alta to show him the cultural ropes)
- almost any made-to-movie book, especially the thrillers
- any mention of cuddling with pet dog
- trying to be a poet: "things I appreciate most: eyes so I can see, ears so I can listen, heart so I can feel"
Some of my favorites from my online dating cohorts:
- no favorite movie =shawshank redemption or DiVinci Code
- no more than one mention of a dog
- no pics of them + dog- anything cliche like, "I like to live life to the fullest"
Would love to hear others, anyone for share and tell?
On a positive note, what I do look for is someone with a more unconventional background.
- not born in this country
- traveled extensively, lived in other parts of the world
- more specifically, Chinese guy born in India, interesting!
- intellectual- say, sites New Yorker as his favorite publication
- sense of humor - tough one, but anything that makes me chuckle a bit, like "one thing I wish more people would notice about me is that I'm funnier than you" Well, it's only funny if he's so perceptive that nobody gets him but it's probably because he really isn't funny.
- some sense of humility - that's a tough read too...
- self-deprecating humor
- biographies as a recent favorite book
You really have to read between the lines because anyone can create a rosy profile. I mean, I'm not going to write that my college nickname was Jizzoyce (now abbreviated to simply Jizz) and that my brother places me in the "castrator" wave of the feminist movement. Hey, but I am caring in my own way, thanks Ryan! I wonder if you can tell I'm a bully from my profile... I've been trying to shed the fear factor since Hong Kong, definitely an avatar you don't want to know.
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